When You Realize Your Dealing w/ a Covert Narcissist #narcissism #emotionalhealing

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My Covert Narc moment was listening to a Youtuber who said.. "If you can't quite put your finger on what it is about someone, they are probably a Covert Narc." I knew what a grandious narc was but had never heard about the Covert variety. I researched it and my mind was blown. At last I had the answer and everything I had experienced made sense now. I would never have realised how insecrure my CN was and all their contolling behaviour was designed to protect their fragile ego.

Spot on! Narcisists go to therapy with a mindset : how do I avoid getting caught?!! And turn the therapist against my target?! That is exactly what those horrible abusers do!

It is a very complex dynamic. I originally thought that my BPD-ex was a covert narcissist (and certainly her behavior displayed that way). Later after I'd ended things, I realized (in therapy) that there was far more going on. Eventually I had to come to terms with my own narcissistic mother and the codependency that she instilled in me. That is what made me a vulnerable target. Today I no longer try to psychoanalyize people or worry about every person who enters my life. If they are Cluster B, I let it display itself first and then gently "ghost them through disinterest". It is not my job to "be right" or "change them". (It is quite liberating).

I’m 60. Oldest sister and mother are narcissists. They’ve destroyed my life and I’m just figuring it out. 60 yrs of isolation, no self worth, and yrs of lies and ridicule. I’m pissed off!!

I have been under the narc spell for 21 years and 3 kids. As I was leaving, again, and she said I was messed up and needed therapy for narcissism. That hit too hard because I was always thinking there may be something wrong with me. As I researched more about narcissism, I realized that it wasn't describing me. More and more research I started the 'no contact" and everything that's been described began to happen. The blame, excuses, diversions, and the smear campaign began. I have 3 children(20,15, and 12) and she turned the oldest into a flying monkey and a supply(money). She is doing everything to destroy me now. I left with only my kids and clothes. My youngest 2 are beginning to see the hold she had on all of us. We just can't believe there are people like this that exist. As I keep going on this road to self-recovery I am seeing that there is a light still in me and it's never going to be put out. Silence has been my best friend.

A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!

Married to the same woman for 32 years. My lightbulb moment happened when I was online. I had searched something on Google (don't remember what) and part way down the search results was "What is NPD?". Out of curiosity, I clicked on it. When I got to the list of typical traits and behaviours I literally said out loud "So that's what this is!". She ticked every box. It was like the mist cleared. Like a huge weight had lifted. It took me about 18 months to leave. We're still working through financial settlement. I see a counsellor for an hour every week. She's covert NPD (my diagnosis, but I'm certain). It's very isolating because nobody has seen the abuse and people look at you like you're making it up. However, as horrible as the separation process has been, there's no way I will go back. I just want to get on with whatever is left of my life and rediscovering who I actually am.

My mother.

It was 2016 & a fb post said "a narcissist will hurt you secretly then blame you publicly for your reaction" 🎯 started researching, then had 20++ years of abuse explained. I fled, as it got worse when i wouldn't react (crying). Thank you God for waking me up 🙏🏻

I wrote covert narcasist in the middle of a piece of paper.. and then started to write characteristics. The covert in my life is a parent.. I've been working here for 4 months because the other parent needs support.. declining cognitive abilities from aging.. and thier home was riddled woth tripping hazards and its easy to lose things in the mess.. I cleaned, organized, dug up old memories.. built a shed, cleaned the garage.. the yard.. trimmed a 60ft tree etc.. ran out of money.. and when I asked for compensation for some of the work so I could have a little but of fun.. one parent tried to kick me out.. my sister.. the golden child.. let me live with her for a week.. this is like the 5th major time I've depleted myself and gave up my stability as a young adult. Always taking care of my parents responsibilities.. getting used and blamed.. Weather this parent is full narc or not she is certainly high on the spectrum.. Thanks for creating a place to express this.

I became the scapegoat of a narcissist family dynamic. I don't know whats worst, the abuse and disrespect from the expert manipulator, or not being able to convince others about it. My mother still tries to make me feel worthless by subtle but consistent invalidation. Just went to a wake for a family member who passed away and as I went to hug this mans wife she suddenly stepped in front of me quickly and hugged her first, even though I was clearly standing in front her. ( it was her way of saying you don't matter ) Its scary how good they are at coming up with tactics like this. I remember reading the book Surviving aggressive people by Shawn T Smith. In it he says these type of people love to BREAK with SOCIAL CONVENTION. In other words,do what they clearly know is wrong in ANY situation.

In 2018, our family businesses was as busy as its ever been and successful. Yet, my brother very suddenly treated me like I no longer existed physically. I was so confused and devastated trying to find answers from him, his friends, employees, family, my inner circle etc. What I started to realize was everyone was suddenly looking at me like a problem, people who never have before started avoiding me saying bad things that had no basis of where it came from no explanations. I eventually stumbled across an article that at first I laughed saying he does that, he does that, then it’s stopped being funny as the entire things described my brother. It was an article on narcissism and I had no idea what that was until that moment and I’ve never stopped learning. I’ve cleared up a lot since then, though I can’t unsee everything now and will never be able to get back to how things were before I was suddenly emotionally discarded

My lightbulb moment was when she told me I had not been insulted. Like she knew my feelings better than I did. I knew it was her.

Very sound observations , especially about the urge to explain to a narcissist who they are and who we are and what the relationship has been all about. All that is is a continuation of wanting the narcissist to respond with care and empathy and to listen . They CANNOT.

I've been aware for ages about my father and one of my exes but the AHA moment came when I read a book on the recommendation of my therapist. It was written by a psychiatrist in my country specialised on NPD and narcissistic spectrum as a whole. I would not even call it as an AHA moment, as it was a 400 pages book, and I have not stopped thinking about it from time to time. But that was the turning point when I realised that there is absolutely no way a pathological narcissist could change to an extent that makes them capable of loving and having a real relationship. I've been deeply saddened by that realisation, but at the same time it brought me relief. I think since then I have managed to move on with my grieving process: the denial, the bargaining is over, I stopped blaming myself and I'm shifting to acceptance. That's a good place to be for survivors, but total healing ( if possible at all) is still a long way to go.

It slowly dawned on me that I surrounded myself with narcissists. I had a nasty encounter with a covert one. I had the gut feeling that it"s gonna hurt to let them in. It did. After the unavoidable drama happened I reserched on YT the various behaviours (eggshells, jealousy, stonewalling etc.) they engage in, so I understood what gaslighting and hoovering was, and... I realized I went from one overt to another covert and on and on, all the while believeing it's me who should just try harder and be better to get on with people. Now I know I'm gullible and I'm a narc magnet and I think I know how I do it. I think I'm chosing them, because that's what I knew. I'm slowly learning to trust my gut again and de-gaslight myself, and see my own narc tendencies and see the new ones trying to trick me. Wish I knew these things when I was young. I talk about these things with my children a lot. I'm so glad this "behaviour" has a name, it helps a lot to understand things when you see it as a system, not isolated incidents.

You nailed it! I went to therapy with my wife for years. It took a long time before I realized that efforts to get me to express my feelings, were simply intended to expose my weaknesses. And any discussion about suspicious behaviors was responded to with greater efforts to hide the behaviors. Therapy felt like I was checking in with the inquisitor trying to break me down. And the therapist was well intentioned but completely blind to the process.

My Covert Narc was my ex-spouse. For the better part of three years they'd been picking these fights out of nowhere, and I could never quite figure out what it was that I was doing wrong. I started using the term "walking on egg shells" years before hand, because that's what it was. There were two events that heralded the end for us; 1) They tried spending almost a thousand dollars to send me to my sisters tiny justice of the peace wedding on the other side of the country after both I and my sister had told her "No, we don't want that." According to them I suddenly (almost over night) had grown this desire that they not talk to me sister, when absolutely nothing close to that was true. I loved that the two of them were that close. I wished I could have been that close with their siblings. 2) We took a road trip and fond a beautiful place that we talked about possibly retiring to. Within weeks My spouse had applied for a number of jobs across the country. And I was not okay with that for multiple reasons, not least of which was because one of our best friends had just died, their mother was fighting sepsis, and my mother would soon need elder-care. So I told them on two occasions, "I'm not cool with you applying places. I don't want to move." Finally my therapist who was helping me through this suggested I rip the band-aid off and tell them forcefully because it sounded like I was dealing with a narcissist. So I did. And that's the night two other things happened. They told me they got the job, and they told me they wanted a divorce. The last thing they said to me before walking out the door the next day was that what we had was toxic and that I was codependent. I eventually got into CoDA and while things made sense, it wasn't until I found the subreddit Narcissistic Abuse. Suddenly everything clicked. People were telling stories that I were identical to mine. People were using terms I'd coined years earlier in the exact same way. But I was suspicious of labeling my ex with something so powerful, so I did my research. Weeks of it. And everything agreed with the diagnosis... to an almost perverse extent - future faking, triangulation, gaslighting, boundary crossing... all of it. But the day I knew for certain was the day Dr. Ramani posted her video about the "cool bird" test. My ex and I shared an appreciation of nature. And for the past year I'd literally been sending them pictures of beautiful exotically colored birds. And the most I ever heard was... "Cool." Suddenly there was no escaping it. Not only did I mirror Dr. Ramani's personal story almost to a tee... but I now had dozens and dozens of other people with stories IDENTICAL to mine. My only real mistake was thinking... no believing that they would want to change if they knew the truth. I copped to a lot of bad behavior too, but they couldn't even take the responsibility for a single thing. I still miss them. Even beyond the trauma bond, I know that I really did love the person they presented themself as originally. But it was genetic for them. Their siblings and parents all had this sense of grandiose superiority that always went completely unchecked - eating at the finest restaurants, staying at the most luxurious hotels, driving the newest cars... I'm sure they would have some excuse why it was still all my fault... The day I removed their pictures from my Facebook wall was the last time I had given them a glimmer of hope in my heart. When I removed over 100 photos I suddenly realized - they would not have to remove a single image of me over the course of our 14 year marriage. I was nothing but a foot note to them, and I never really had a chance to be anything more. no matter what I did - then or now. Sorry for the narrative.

My kids still think my wife is the greatest person on earth and the worst thing is after being discarded I can't even warn them.