Why your Avoidant partner is Stonewalling you and how I Stopped doing it.

You forgot the abuse caveat on this one, Jimmy. I would shut down and stare at the floor when my husband would stand threateningly over me and yell at me. I wasn’t allowed to speak, and I wasn’t allowed to leave. When he figured out he could label that as Stonewalling, he gained a new tool to act like I was responsible for our marriage problems. He loved to remind me that stonewalling was one of Gottman’s four horsemen of divorce. My attempts at being vulnerable and engaged only allowed him to hurt me more. I DO need to work on being more securely attached instead of anxious or avoidant, but he is not a safe person for that. EDITED TO ADD: I had no idea this comment would become so popular! The number one response I'm getting from people who aren't empathizing is basically: "What you are describing is Grey Rock, not Stonewalling. Therefore, Jimmy did not need to add an abuse caveat to this video, because those are two different things." To save myself from replying to every comment, I will write this: If you haven't been abused by a partner, you don't know what it's like. We don't know we are being abused for the whole relationship. Abusers aren't stupid; they know they need to start off hooking you in with love-bombing, and then sneakily and gradually push and test your boundaries, as well as slowly break you down and try to alter reality. Sometimes they do something sudden and obvious, but with covert narcissistic abuse in particular, it's generally slow and sneaky. When we start to wonder why things aren't so great anymore, we don't just go, "Oh! I'm being abused!" and leave. We generally love this person and want to make the relationship work, and anyone we talk to will usually recommend couples counselling and various other relationship tools. We try them, one by one. If we are Christians, the Church tells us "God hates divorce!", suggests that suffering is part of the Christian life, states that we are all sinners in need of grace, and the most conservative branches will also remind a wife that it is her duty to submit to her husband no matter what (and that this will glorify God). So we try and try and try and try. To my point, we look up marriage advice videos LIKE THIS ONE on YouTube. If there is no warning that this advice will NOT WORK when you are in an abusive relationship, we just accept that our partner is right and we are the problem, because we shut down in fights, and therefore our stonewalling is wrecking the relationship and making our partner angry/hurt/whatever. When there is abuse in a relationship, ALL STANDARD RELATIONSHIP ADVICE BECOMES WRONG. In fact, it is usually the opposite of what one should do. I do now know I was not stonewalling. I figured out I was being abused, got my own therapy, got stronger, got a job, have left my abusive husband, and live on my own in relative safety. I'm trying to heal. But at the time, I did believe him. It was his therapist who told him I was stonewalling, after all. Wouldn't a relationship expert know more than me? I even tried to double-check by asking a university professor I happened to meet. I asked, "What if we stop talking because that's our defense mechanism and we don't know what else to do?" He confirmed to me that that was still stonewalling, because regardless of my reason, the effect on the other person was the same. Maybe if I had described the whole situation better he would have answered differently, but I wasn't going to divulge anything in a group setting of people I didn't even know, so his response just confirmed I was doing things wrong. So YES, marriage advice videos and podcasts and blogs need abuse caveats! Hopefully that covers most future comments. Thank you for reading this far. =) If anyone else is in similar circumstances to mine, look up Lundy Bancroft, Dr. David E. Clarke, and Natalie Hoffman. They are Life Savers.

Avoidants make healthy partners feel like our basic needs are too much. Any healthily attached partner who can remain healthy after being stonewalled, dismissed, severed, and ignored by avoidants has real strength, real emotional maturity, and was not the problem in the relationship. Despite being made to so feel.

Jimmy, I was sent TikTok link “Shutting down during conflict” during a conflict with my wife. I watched it and then searched for more of your videos on YouTube. Within minutes, I was in tears and then had to stop the video at 16 minutes. I went downstairs, asked my wife to stand up and we embraced as I broke down into tears again. I just wanted to share my experience, as I had been completely unable to show any emotion during this time and I really hope this is the start of turning things around. I’ve yet to watch the remainder of the video, this is the only video I’ve ever commented on, on YouTube, just wanted to say thanks.

Stonewalling was one of the things that ruined my marriage. So many issues left hanging in the air. Everytime I tried to bring something up, it was the wrong time. Ie, don't talk to me at night when I am tired, don't talk to my in the morning when I am busy, don't talk to me when I just want to eat my lunch/ watch tv/play on my phone/ literally anything other than talk to me.

There's a quote in Hindi. Let me translate it for you, "Get upset enough with someone to make them realize your absence, but don't get so upset that they learn to live without you."

That helped me understand his behaviour and have more empathy for him. With that being said I'm still leaving this relationship as it's starting to become harmful for my mental health. I work on myself and go to therapy. I do my best to communicate effectively, be calm non judgemental and thoughtful yet I still don't see any improvement on his side. Relationship can't be one-sided 😢

Avoidants avoid love to avoid hurt, and when they encounter reliable love are drawn to try to spoil it to prove to themselves it can't be real. They will hurt the people who show they care about them the most.

I think this is a point that might help: Anxious attachments need vulnerability in order to feel safe. Whereas Avoidants need to feel safe before they can be vulnerable. In my experience, a lot of miscommunication can happen because of this contrast in safety attachment. If an anxious person pushes vulnerability on the avoidant to feel secure, the avoidant will feel unsafe. In cases when people struggle to open up, what helps is listening intently to what little the persons says and then acting upon it. By listening and acting upon what is said makes an avoidant know they are heard and that their feelings matter. In the beginning of a relationship, this will speak more than gifts, lot of attention, or overly emotional messages.

When I stonewall, I do feel very ashamed and mentally stuck because I don't know what my wife needs from me. I feel like a complete failure. I feel stupid for not addressing these issues before. I thought I was. I didn't know what I didn't know. Jimmy, spot on for me, and you shed a lot of light on my wife, also. I wish I could get her to communicate with me openly and honestly... and I with her. I am to the point, now where I should have been 5 years ago. I want to talk about our issues. I didn't know how before.

Stonewalling can be a dishonest power move used by someone who has no intention of rectifying the situation at hand, and just wants their partner to drop the subject. That's a WIN for them.

It’s comforting to see how many people in the comments also struggled with this. People are quick to label you as narcissistic or toxic but the reason why I developed this mechanism was because I came from a volatile emotionally-immature household and was verbally abused at times. As a child I just wanted to avoid conflict and this mechanism helped me stay sane and feel like im protecting myself. However I’ve learned it has hindered my ability to healthily communicate and understand my emotions. I’ve worked to be a healthier communicator and better understand what I’m feeling in the moment, but the partner I was with perpetually labelled me the problem and was abusive. So while im disappointed things fell apart instead of transformed, I learned valuable lessons that have made me grow as a more mature partner and person. Anyone who is willing and working to be conscious and grow - I’m sending you love

Stonewalling is not always because of shame. Sometimes people use it as punishment. They will do it until you go shopping with their way. It's not all shame.

This was the last thing I sent my, now ex, out of desperation after 4 years of this behaviour. You described everything EXACTLY... to an exact tee like you were there. It was unbelievable and made me cry to know I am not crazy. I tried so hard to talk and empathize and 'fix it', until in the end I just had to save myself 💔 I know there are men capable of giving more than this. And that I deserved more. If you're crying every day because your relationship is this way, please realize those tears are because you're upset at yourself - because you know the truth is, they aren't about to change... and that you're deceiving yourself. Empower yourself with that thought. Smile and be free.

In the past, I was with someone who often treated me in a similar way. The turning point for me was taking time to really think about what I enjoyed in that relationship. To my surprise, I found very little that truly mattered to me. I realized what I really valued was the companionship of sharing meals, cuddling, and enjoying shows together. Then it hit me like a freight train—I could share those moments with anyone! Why endure such behavior from someone who resorts to silence and emotional withdrawal? It was then I decided to pursue what I truly deserved: loyalty, open communication, and real love. People who employ silence and withdrawal as tactics lack compassion and would behave the same with anyone, even if they were with the most glamorous and successful individuals. They are deeply flawed people who spread misery and are best left to face the consequences of their actions alone. It’s time to move on and find someone who will love, cherish, and respect you. Although it’s tough to leave, seeking a partner who truly values you is absolutely worth it.

I have listened to so many therapists and “professionals” describe this situation and your explanation is BY FAR the best. I feel seen ❤

I’m a woman and I stonewall because trying to communicate with my husband is impossible. He twists everything to make himself the victim and tries to make me look like I’m crazy. So I just don’t bother anymore. And honestly I have stopped caring about trying to bring him back to the actual issue. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He takes zero accountability for his actions and has zero respect for my feelings. It’s better to not even talk than to just argue about an issue that is not even the real issue. After some time he apologizes for HOW I REACTED and not even his own behavior and we just move on until next time. There is never a real resolution. I am in therapy and have learned a lot of great skills. He makes no effort.

The reason I stonewall is because I do not feel valued, I don’t feel heard. I realize this is low-level maturity and am thankful for a patient wife. :). We are working through this…thanks for your help Jimmy!

This is so helpful. I genuinely had no idea my avoidant behaviour was so hurtful. I just don’t feel safe enough to speak up during a discussion. I just got into a new relationship and I’ve been avoiding one for years and I’m willing to put in the work for us. Thanks so much ❤️

I'm a woman. I'm avoidant. I do this. I'm trying to get better because I have a man who already knows Jimmy's lessons. TY ❤

"I don't know" was on repeat