What Is the Fearful Avoidant Door Slam & How Do You Prevent It?

It's really painful seeing your FA partner not be vulnerable in an overall healthy relationship, and it ending due to those triggers/fears and lack of vulnerability and not willing to work through solvable conflicts. Has anyone else experienced this?

When I do this, it’s because my boundaries have been extremely violated over and over again and I hit my breaking point and never speak to them again.

I was in a relationship with an FA for nearly 3 years. I knew his needs weren’t being met because he didn’t communicate any of them. He expressed some needs at the very beginning of the relationship, but never again. His withdrawal was sudden and painful, and I was powerless to stop it. I made the mistake of thinking he needed too much time to warm up to me. I gave him way too much time. 😢

To me, the worst part is that to know all of this, being a mental health professional, having had years of relationship experience as well as voluntary "alone years" with the sole purpose of healing myself and becoming a better partner in the future - and then fall into the same exact patterns, again and again. I often end up with DA partners (like my current one) and run away from or feel repulsed by good, caring men who are willing to give me everything I've ever longed for but never had. I may be a mess, yes, but by now, I know my worth as a partner. I'm about to slam the door in my DA's face. This time, I've tried my best to communicate my needs (which I didn't always succeed at; it's a challenge being an Aspie with severe FA). So, so tired of letting myself being treated the way he does.

Could a 4th trigger for the door slam be that the FA becomes overwhelmed by their own desires and begins to fear the pain they'd feel if the connection didn't last?

I’m an infj & an fa. I’ve done the door slam many times & am learning to catch myself prior to doing so. This videos is accurate. Makes me wonder if most infjs are fa.

As a FA who woefully self sabotaged and swore against vulnerability as a life motto, and lost his wife and kids because of these decisions and some worse ones, I can say that there is hope, and as you recognise and move towards secure attachment and let your guard down, recognise and change false perceptions and clogged filters, and lean into vulnerability, everything can change. These videos are so informative and true when you are in FA state, and you perceive the threat of vulnerability as an instant gateway to hell. I'm on the other side of this bridge, and still navigating the wreckage and damage I did, but am even as we speak in the presence of my kids at my separated partners house while she rests. And we're communicating, and we're dealing with the big stuff, and it's not the end of the world, even though sometimes it still feels like it. Anyone struggling, keep pushing for improvement and keep learning, your breakthrough may be closer than you think, maybe even just one conversation away.

This is all accurate. When I leaned more in my FA before becoming more SA, I did one of two things. I would either feel bombarded by an anxious attachment who broke my boundaries and I would abruptly leave OR if I dated someone leaning more avoidant, I would hold it all in, unleash the verbal wrath and then again...leave. With the anxious I would be very upfront about my boundaries to avoid a catastrophe that I knew would inevitability happen. Not respecting my space, getting angry and sometimes controlling or just hounding me. It was honestly annoying and sometimes there's nothing you can say for them to have an understanding of what we need. When dating someone more avoidant I did the opposite where I wouldn't express my needs and non-negotiables and essentially expect them to read my mind then quietly be upset while I planned my inevitable out. I've done a TON of work on myself since I last dated and even though I test SA, I don't even feel close to being ready to date. It hasn't been easy living in this body and mind and I guarantee it's taken years off my life from a lifetime of stress and inner turmoil. I still don't trust my judgment of picking a partner, but relationships aren't and have never been a priority in ny life. I just know that my time and space is priority. I'm not interested in compromising this which is why DA's and I mesh well together. I don't feel like this is an unhealthy stance either. We should all be able to design our lives as we please. Heal enough to not chance hurting others, make your boundaries and non-negotiables known from the beginning and don't try changing anyone. Also, be brave enough to walk away from someone you love if your needs aren't getting met. Staying and hurting yourself is never a good idea.

I was a FA and now more on the secure side. I recently went through this with a FA. The push/pull dynamic, the discarding after feeling too vulnerable, flirting with other woman. The connection lasted 6 weeks but not often it felt peaceful, it felt chaotic and was causing my nervous system to flip out. The few times it was peaceful he would self sabotage and cause us to go back into a feeling of chaos. I am so relieved I have been able to heal to where I am now because I could see it, understand it and walk away. I was direct and kind with my communication but in the end he always had a wall up with me but would open up to another woman about us. Communication is important to me. It was never me vs him, it was always him and I vs the problem. To him, he let others perceptions interfere and I was always ended up the bad guy and we would go back into the chaotic feeling again. He’s a great guy but I have been down the road b4 with a FA and all it took was a year for me to go from AA to FA. I won’t go back to that. I hated how it made me feel. I like the peaceful feeling that being secure brings.

I'm an FA. My entire dating life feels like it's been holding a door open and the slamming it shut before anyone even walks through because nobody walks through fast enough. If you take too long to walk through the door I'm holding, I slam it. It doesn't even have to do with level of attachment. The attraction dies the moment I slam the door, and I can't actually control it.

This sounds like just anxious attachment…..except we don’t leave. We keep giving even after we’re burned out.

I'm a fearful avoidant and I approve this message.

Instead of working on themselves some of these individuals give excuse they are avoidant, don't tolerate abusive behaviour from them only give unconditional positive regard to those trying to change.....otherwise shut them out for your own peace.....they will exhaust you with the details of what's happening to them..... let them pay a therapist to take care of their problems.

This video was…literally entire my life. Especially #2. I’m working super hard to heal & be a better version of myself.

I totally do this..didn't know that it had a name

really insightful as usual Thais

I had an FA friend kind of made this to me a few months ago. After trying to reconnect with her multiple times, she made little to no effort back. So, as an FA myself, I decided to door slam too. Sorry, but there are relationships that will die no matter what we do.

I have a friend who believes she's AP, but after watching these videos and looking at her relationship dynamics, I'm convinced she's FA. We've decided to get together when our schedules match to watch as many FA videos as possible to see if she sees herself in them. 😅

Honestly, this video was so informative. I really appreciate it. I was very confused and frustrated after my breakup with my ex infj gf. And I remember telling her before getting a literal door slam in the face, “you have these walls up and I’ve tried to climb up them, break thru them, and wait for them to tumble. I just don’t know what to do.” I thought at the time maybe I crossed some boundaries, turned her off by giving too much, or didn’t give enough. Then I thought maybe there’s some narcissism there, but never fully believed that. I just felt so sad and heartbroken. And it makes sense though the scaredness to be vulnerable, but not only that the judgmental side that you could see in her body language at times. She expected herself to be perfect and everything was a competition. I just felt bad that she was so hard on herself, so it made it hard to critique or give feedback or ask her to be vulnerable . One of the last things she told me was, “you should just know and feel it. And she didn’t love me.” The whole experience made me think that she believed I didn’t care. The truth is I’ll probably never understand what was going on with her because there were many stressors goin on in her life and my life at the time. I loved her a lot and hope she is doing well. This video has given me a little window into better understanding my experience, her experience, and the shared experience. I really appreciate it. A side note ENFP man here. I wonder if this is a common experience for us 😅😂 thank you for sharing.

It happened recently...he did a few testing/sabotaging (after talking he looked reassured and things were good again), some other patterns showing fears and some pulls away, and then after a month of "I care so much for you" etc almost every day, he pulled away and built a huge wall (he managed to open up during the time) saying he was just hurting me and so on. I saw him got triggered a lot in one specific episode the week before (plus he has a lot of stress in his family situation with his brother and ill parents). Now I'm giving space and time, hoping it will help