Why Do Dismissive Avoidants Pursue Fearful Avoidants? | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

I was aggressively pursued by a DA in a setting that was not conducive to dating, and then when I finally relaxed my resistance a little bit, he panicked and ran. It didn't shatter me, but it could not have come at a worse time in my life and I was definitely not trying to date anyone but here I was dumped by someone I wasn't dating, ugh. Just starting to feel safe in the world again.

Heard a good description of FA vs DA. The fearful avoidant still has hope, the dismissive avoidant has given up.

hahaha this is exactly what happened. He pursued me and I was not open to him at all. I let my guard down and boooom. All of a sudden he was full of fears, like why did you pursue me?

I'm a DA married to a FA and we've been together for 24 years. We're best friends, we understand each other. He's the bestest person I've ever met.

So bizarre how true this is! I am a FA becoming more secure and my DA (typical DA; gamer, fictionlover, intelligent, rational etc) was pursuing and super excited in the early stages of our relationship! When I saw this pattern changing when we became closer, I was very much triggered! Wow Thais! You understand people on a very deep level ❤️

I’m my case I’m an FA leaning more avoidant, and he’s a DA…. I did the pursuit in the beginning, I saw him and I wanted him. from the beginning he never broke patterns, he has stayed consistent on time, if he says he’ll be here at 9 he will be here exactly at 9…. Me on the other hand I have been wishy washy… I haven’t been consistent… I have gone longer without speaking to him.. I’m always late. Yet when we argue I’m always calm, cool and collected as for him he gets anxious right away (I see it in his body language) he seems confused as to why I’m upset… he explains how he is giving me all his free time and he doesn’t understand how I’m still upset…. I’ve told him countless times that we just have to learn to communicate our needs better because we misunderstand each other so much, like it’s so bad to the point where one time we were gonna be meet up to a beautiful day at the park…. We ended up in two different parks 😅 smh just bad communication.

This accuracy is giving me goose bumps. I am an FA and most of my past relationships I have been pursued by a DA hard. To the point where the power struggled is reversed. I feel smothered while the DA feels rejected. Eventually I switch to acting my like an anxious type and I go full force into the relationship. This freaks out the DA and then we break up (almost always 2-3 months each relationship lasts)

She pursued me, and said that she cared. She said she wanted love, and I was ready to share. I opened my heart, and trusted to fast. Through her actions, she showed me her past. I tried to hold on, but it was not to be. It was then that I realized, she could never love me. When someone shows you who they really are, you better believe them. It is from there, you have to believe in yourself.

You just described my last relationship, me FA, he DA, he pursued me so much the first months, so open, gentle, caring, loving, then bam travel, and he dissapeared. We tried again after 3 months but he's cold, giving me the silent treatment. I can't believe when I finally trust him he dissapeared, it has been so painful.

As a DA/FA myself, i can say DAs if they pursue would most likely be another DA or an FA. Its like trying to catch something you cant have or will not work out.. Perfect for the DA to have something out of reach 🥴

They pursue people who don’t want them.

THIS‼️😮 Is EXACTLY what happened between myself (healing FA) and the DA I just left.🤦🏽‍♀️ He actually accused ME of being emotionally unavailable in the first three months of us dating. I simply told him that I was working on healing a fearful avoidant attachment style and that I needed him to be patient with me. I assured him that I liked him and wanted to continue. Then at six months and me asking for exclusivity, he starts to pull way back. I ask him point blank if he wants to continue this and he says he “doesn’t have the capacity” to be in a relationship right now. Said he is not able to balance work and his personal goals and a relationship, blah, blah, blah. I heard him say this at month four and I should have ended things then. He basically told me how this whole thing would end but I kept going forward. Never again. Lesson learned. And I am now AVOIDING all unhealed Avoidants. 😉👌🏽

Yeah this describes previous experiences I've had with DA's perfectly as a FA. He pursued me. Then as I opened up, he withdrew and dumped me...over text message! That triggered core wounds and I snapped and said mean things to him. Then he said mean things to me. And we're all such broken toys, ugh

This video is so true. As soon as the pattern changed I found myself confused and I couldn’t trust him. Every time we’ve reconnected I’ve hoped he’d be more like he was when we first met, as that it was attracted me to him. It’s been liking having two different versions of a person.

This is insane. She literally just described my entire relationship. I’m just trying to recover and move on with my life at this point

Yes. They pursue and when you open up they leave... 😂

Wow, I relate to this so much. My FA self esteem was soooo poor when my husband and I met, I was already flip flopping on him a few months in. I didn't have a clue how to love or be loved, so I frequently drew back from him saying I needed time to process things. It wasn't until we were married that I noticed our relationship shift. Looking back, I'm not entirely sure what changed, but he grew more withdrawn and I grew more volatile. I'm really looking forward to what you have to say about reconnecting! I've been doing the courses, but I still find so much value from these shorter more specific talks, they can speak so directly to what I'm experiencing! Thank you, Thais for all you do! Those who only see her on youtube, Thais is an absolute treasure! She puts so much into supporting the PDS community!

This makes sense in the early stages of a relationship with a DA and an FA. But later down the road the DA will be dismissive of the FA’s boundaries and feelings. Eventually the FA will become volatile and feel betrayed then tell the DA to screw off then become avoidant. A relationship between a DA and FA won’t work in the long run.

Honestly, the more I hear about dismissive avoidant from you the more I think a person shouldn't date one. And this is coming from a dismissive avoidant... We just cause so much pain to others it's not worth it, we're better off just having friends and nothing further.

I’m an FA, I am feeling triggered by DA starting to pull back and he’s acting weird. I feel like it’s doomed because you’ve just predicted with an accuracy how things unfolded between us. I think I wanna dip out, I’m not sure how emotionally mature and willing he is and I wouldn’t bet on it.