Autistic struggles with friendship

One thing that I notice is that I tend to feel more comfortable in groups where I am somehow markedly different from everyone. For example, being around people much older than me or much younger than me. Or being around people from a different culture. I think the reason for this is because it's already obvious that I am different, so any "strange" behavior is just associated to that. But when I am around people "like me", then I feel uncomfortable and left out because it feels like there is an expectation for me to think and behave like everyone in the group. If I do anything out of the ordinary, then it's much more noticeable and looked at as strange. I'm learning to feel more okay with feeling like an outsider everywhere I go and trying to acknowledge and remind myself that it actually has some benefit for me. I'd rather be welcomed in as a outsider than welcomed in as "one of the group" and then have to live up to the standards of behaving like everyone else in the group.

I just cried through this video😭😭😭I'm 45 with zero friends, and have a history of having only bullies as friends too. My new therapist is going to try and connect me with an autistic community. Thank you for making these videos- they make me not feel so alone! ❤❤❤

" my mum says she thinks you are a lovely person and keep shinning your light. The world needs more people like you. " from my Mother

Pretty sure my best friend is also autistic, and honestly, I’ve never had a friend like her before. We can just be ourselves and I don’t mask at all. She feels like a sister, and really the only friend I’ve ever been able to say that about and we’re 29!! We just became friends only a couple years ago. You will find your people or your person, I promise. We aren’t broken. She’s just like me, sometimes we don’t talk for 2 weeks, it doesn’t mean anything to our friendship! We just get it. ❤️

It does get less manipulative than high school with age, but also harder to make friends.

Realizing most if not all of my friends were huge bullies to me was one of the worst parts of my journey

I can maintain friendships in a structured setting like school or work. Later, I've been told that is in fact, not being good at friendships. 😅

I read somewhere once that friendships are like bunches of flowers, all the tulips together, all the daisies together and people with autism are the bees visiting them all, taking time to enjoy them but having to bumble around to the next one. That idea has stuck with me and feels comforting... i don't know if it is but it feels it.

This describes my friendships or lack there of 100%. I have lived almost 59 years without what I would describe as a best friend. It has been a lifelong struggle. Every time I think I’m making a friend either I push too hard and chase the person away or they push me away. Meeting people is impossible when you don’t want to go to the usual social things such as bars or parties. Recently I have started volunteering but even then I am the outsider of the group and find just interacting difficult. Morgan, you have once again described what being autistic is like so well! Thanks! Keep making content on YouTube!

I've been working for 3 months now and I still haven't made any friends at the workplace because I DON'T like talking! I'm always in my lil' corner working alone listening to music on my headphones at all times. If I socialize and try to interact with people then my mask activates creating this struggle to form sentences while doing eyecontact. It's very draining to the point of me collapsing at home after my shift is over (and partially on the busride home makign me miss my bus stop on multiple occasions). I value my free time and if I have to form social connections then I sacrifice my free time for sleep. It sucks. I'm glad I'm working in an environment that accomodates for me at the cost of working under minimum wage. Ngl growing up with internet was the saving grace for me when it comes to my friendships that I still have. It eliminates most of my problems with talking to people and I'm so very thankful for it.

I hope Morgan finds that great honest friend she deserves!

In my 40s now. You hit some really key points that I absolutely identify with. Particularly, bullies, and not being able to/wanting to maintain friendships from a distance. So interesting! At this point, I really work on building a sense of contentment and enjoyment of being alone. I embrace the power of parasocial relationships. I join in with book clubs and volunteer opportunities, but I don't put any pressure on trying to turn acquaintances into close friends anymore. It's enough that we enjoy each other's company at scheduled activities. I consider my "third places" as social outlets, even if I don't talk to anyone there. (Cafe, library, gym) If being an "outsider" is my destiny as an autistic person, then I'm going to embrace that status and enjoy it... and I do. Funnily enough, I've always loved stories and movies about castaways and mountain men - people out there on their own, just surviving and maybe even thriving. It's not always easy, but the alternative is making myself miserable trying to "fit in" and I just don't have the energy for that anymore.

OMG THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING LATELY!!!!! Towards the end when u talk about not liking to socialize but needing it so badly and how draining it is, I get that soooooooooo much and one of my friends just doesn't get it. I have an autistic friend and a non autistic friend and I definitely relate and get along with and argue less with my autistic friend. But I hate socializing, because like u, if ur close to me I also can be easily manipulated and gaslighted, like I realized that my own mom has been manipulating me for years but I still fall for it every time, like I know she's doing it, but somehow I still fall for it. I also don't like socializing, it is really draining, even in therapy, like I'll get back from therapy and be so drained and just lay in my bed and not want to get out for at least a few weeks. And like I want more friends, but I don't know how to get them and don't want to put in the work to get them, but I do want them.

This describes every friendship i have had, I thought it was just me.

When you mentioned how it's hard to tell whether your friends are your friends or bullies, it reminded me of my childhood-teenage friends. There was a guy in our group of friends, and he would always get teased. I would always say something because I didn't like how they would bully him. But they were always joking. One day, one of them said to me "Ximo (this guy that they teased) is sick of you protecting him whenever we tease him. He thinks you're in love with him and said you're disgusting." So there's a lot to unpack there. I never had any romantic feelings towards him, I just had difficulties registering the teasing as sarcasm, and would always say things like, come on, guys, stop saying that, or, don't listen to them. It's also the fact that my friend told me this to hurt me. He always did homophobic sh*t (I'm transgender male to female and bisexual, at the time I wasn't out as either, but everyone could tell I was queer) to me, and when I'd confront him about it, he mentioned his gay uncles... Also: this very same friend was my childhood best friend. Up until first year of secondary, he was my best friend throughout most of primary. When we started secondary, he started to completely ignore my existence. He then became the leader of the friend group, and would always find ways (like what I wrote earlier) to make me feel upset. In one class he pretended like he wanted to kiss me in front of the entire class, just to laugh at me and ridicule me. I learned of how they had a WhatsApp group where everyone was in except for me. I think it's for two reasons: as you mentioned, I must have been for them a "surface level friend", because no one in the group had thought of inviting me, which hurt a lot, because I considered all of them to be my friends. But it was also because this guy was intentionally leaving me out. I then told one friend to ask to let me in, which I hated to do, because I didn't want to "beg" them to join their group from which they had already excluded me. We were 17-18 at the time as well, like how childish can they be. So this guy said they should vote on it. Everyone said yes, to let me in. But this guy said no. And since he had this weird dynamic over everyone, I ended up not being added. After that I decided not to hang out with them ever, to cut them from my life, because I had other friends that I had healthy relationships with. Then last year I met with them and when this toxic guy showed up, I felt this terrible pain in my chest. He gives me terrible anxiety. And then while we were texting one day, he suddenly said he "apologises in case he had at some point not been able to empathise with me", which is the closest I will ever get to getting an actual apology from him, since that was not one. But these issues really create trauma, other than being autistic and it making it hard to navigate through relationships, there's also these people who like to complicate things. I'm quite sociable and love making friends, but I can definitely tell how my autism impacts this part of my life. Learning more about it helps, so thank you for creating this video ❤

I’m so happy when your videos get posted. I’m way older than you, and sadly most neurotypical women become quite cliquish and keep to their usual circle of friends when they get older… and the subject always comes up about why I’m my age and yet have no friends. That alone ends it right there. The last time I tried to be friends with someone we were in her car and she said… “It’s a good thing we’re not roommates, because I’d smother you in your sleep.” So, it’s good that my special interest involves animals, primarily wildlife.

Damn you really got me with the "I'm easily manipulated if you're close to me, bc I believe you"... I low key realized that last week and now that you describe it, it hits.

YOU SPOKE TO MY SOUL

Knowing where you struggle and thinking you have limitations to be a good best friend is so insightful. However, on the flipside, a good best friend accepts you for who you are, and since you see that in yourself, you would probably be very accepting of someone else who has the same struggles. No friendship whether neurodivergent or not, is void of miscommunications, misunderstandings, hardships, inequalities etc.

Not realizing that your friends are actually bullies… That happened to me a lot in high school and even elementary school too!