do i have autism or trauma? (autism & cptsd/ptsd)

Spoiler Alert: It’s Trautism

13 years of bullying and rejection that happened in the public school system due to undiagnosed autism gave me CPTSD. But again, I also had enmeshment trauma from my mom who had high narcissistic traits, so it all blended together. But the mean people were at school. Lots of things can be worked through, but not everything. Loud voices or yelling still really jar my system.

Oh yes, faking being ok. I learned how to do that as a kid. I obviously still do it, I have to quite often. It's why if I do lose my temper it seems so sudden. It's not sudden. I just hit my "faking it" limit.

I was mocked for being angry or dysregulated (crying as well), I am now unable to express emotions spontaneously. I have very intense emotions internally. I am faceless.

I was contemplating how I feel in social situations the other day and I literally wrote in my journal, “I don’t care what you think I just don’t want to misunderstand.”

“More hyperarousal, more startle response, more insomnia, more anger…” It’s like you’re talking specifically about me.

At 76 years old, I have learned that I am aspergers and cptsd. I am relieved to still be alive so that I know the WHY of who I have been all my life. There is sorrow for who I might have been, and anger over abuse I should not have had in my life. But this late in life, to have an exultant affirmation of what I knew more than 70 years ago gives me great peace and strength. I don't know when you put this video together, and I don't know how I happened to check your channel tonight, but the coincidence of it all is proof of connections which come to us as mysteries bringing wisdom and wonder. Thank you...

I'm a 47 year old autistic woman with CPTSD. Thank you for helping me unravel all the various traits and aspects that come with this combination. I used to think of myself as very unusual and alone, and the more I learn, the more I see my experience as very typical and normal. It's so reassuring to not constantly feel like an outlier. Thank you again for putting this information out into the world.

I'm being traumatized by psychologists who tell me they support an ASD diagnosis and then refuse to put it in writing so I cannot get disability benefits!! 😢

My autism developed into a special interest in the social sciences (especially the intersection between philosophy, sociology and psychology), which complicates things A LOT!

I want to add that high sensitive people (HSP) also have some of these signs at the daily base line. For instance constantly being sensitive to stimuli or taking longer to regulate after a stressful event. So if someone is HSP and has early complex trauma, it is even more difficult to distinct it from ASD.

If you're autistic, or primed to epigenetically trigger as such, NPD or BPD parenting provide more than enough trauma to hide the autism or the CPTSD. I've always been moderately dyspraxic and highly sensitive. I didn't realize just how much the latter until my system reset to become even MORE sensitive after three and a half months of intensive chemotherapy. As a child, my mother was my most persistent bully, making fun of just about anything. The majority of her bullying in the early years was disatisfaction on her part with my development and physical quirks. I remember distinctly how harsh she was when I was seven, making fun of my bubble butt and telling me I walked like a girl. Around kindergarten, she put me in a swim class, which I enjoyed—until parents' day when she held on to me and took me to the deep end, dunked me repeatedly because I would supposedly have some sort of epiphany. Again, when I was seven, she used to throw me into the pool in our apartment complex to "sink or swim," so often that neighbors picked HER up and threw her in, which fortunately DID stop her from doing it to me. I couldn't whistle soon enough, or ride a bike soon enough, and I was too quiet most of the time. Only much later in life did she tell me that TWICE, entering 2nd and 8th grades, the teachers tried to convince her to have me skip a grade, which she declined because she thought I was too immature, completely missing the point that the teacher had been having to accommodate me by either sending me to read with a higher grade class, which made me stick out as the odd one, or work on my own on the periphery of the classroom. She didn't get ME at all, only that she thought I made her look like a bad mom for having a child that was different. Frankly, she WAS a bad mom, quite often. When she became a single mother, I became a latchkey child, and glad that I was; I had to endure her far less. Thank goodness my grandparents lived only a block away, though mind you, my grandmother was also NPD (covert, self-righteous). One very GOOD thing that unfortunately also masked my difficulties was that they were all highly regimented, my mom an army brat, and my grandparents raised Methodist/Salvation Army through the Dust Bowl. That regimentation kept me organized enough for me to excel in school, which slowly ebbed the longer I was only my own as an adult, until my difficulties with executive skills finally beat out what was left of my routines and living by my DayPlanner®. Sadly, rather than address my odd academic flubs from a humane angle to figure out underlying reasons, my mom instead got angry that the otherwise Straight A student f'ed up. So since I wasn't really hyperactive, my ADHD didn't get addressed whatsoever. I came to hate group assignments because I usually failed them or came close. Wow, I thought I just had a short blurb to tell. lol Alrighty, then. My point yet stands, that parenting probably makes an enormous difference for autistic kids in either limiting or grossly exacerbating the neurological trauma responses, depending on the ability of the parents to nurture while sussing out and learning to work around problem elements. Commanding rather than teaching works even less with autistic children than with neurotypical.

I wish all therapists were as honest as you. For 25 years they were confident in their misdiagnosis, never telling me or my mother they didn’t know.

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

The neurologist I sat in front of last year to be evaluated for neurodivergence finally just laughed at me and started explaining attachment. I would only have similar traits if I have significant trauma. I didn't receive any help. He didn't do a proper assessment. How awful can someone be? I'm so tired of trying to get the right treatment. I have for years. I have AuDHD AND CPTSD. With dissociative elements. 'Professionals' have told me all kinds of things over the years. From 'I just imagined my trauma' to 'I 'just' have trauma' It's awful. Yes, complex trauma traits can lighten with good work around them. But most days I wish I was deaf (eventhough I love music) because I'm SO sensitive to sound. That is very different to being startled/triggered by a sudden noise. I could have a wonderful day but the bright sun still feels like someone burning my eyes out with a torch. And the issues in social interactions. Ohhhhh. Don't even get me started. The symptoms might seem similar but the lived experience is very different. Of course one would have to properly listen to and believe the person in front of them to understand that.

I don't want a label. I just want people to understand that I can't help it that I'm different. This feels like a death sentence.

“You’re not a little bit autistic, you either are or you aren’t.” Thank you! This needs to be screamed from the rooftops. Also, what you mention in the beginning of this video—that if you think you might be autistic and have c-ptsd, you may well have both. This is insightful and I wish more mental health professionals understood and acknowledged this. Good luck with your autistic realization journey, btw. You say you’re not sure yet, but frankly, the fact that you already have a firm grasp of autistic experience tells me you probably are. Your professional experience plays a part, I’m sure; but in my experience, even well-educated and empathetic allistic mental health professionals struggle to describe monotropic experience in an actually relatable way.

I’m crying so hard. As I’ve healed trauma responses, my autistic and ADHD symptoms have significantly increased. I thought I was going crazy.

I am not in the least bit surprised to hear this. My husband struggles with trauma from heavy verbal abuse and severe emotional neglect in childhood to early adulthood. Although he's healing, I have often wondered if there is autism involved along with some learning disabilities that resulted. This video validates the research about the brain changes / damages / adaptations that occur due to long-term childhood abuse and neglect. I hope you can also speak on the degree that neuroplasticity can aid in healing even the symptoms that mimic autism in the traumatized.

"she's too social, but if she wasn't we'd diagnose her with ASD." That is the paraphrased assessment I got as a very young child. I had a significant speech delay. I have numerous learning disabilities. And as for social? I distinctly remember as a young child preferring to play independently. There was a tree on the playground at my elementary school. I would sit under it and play with toys I had brought from home. I remember teachers getting frustrated trying to get me to play with the other kids. But they didn't want to play how I wanted to play. And I didn't understand there were rules to their games. In preschool I brought in the huge bucket of worms for show and tell. And I kept trying to wonder off to play with it. To the point my otherwise empathetic preschool teacher snapped and threatened to dump it out in the yard. It was a sensory thing. I can go on and on. I had an eval as an adult because I wanted to see if I qualify for asd. My raad score was 165. Definitive diagnosis. My in person assessment was definitive neurotypical. "How can I have two starkly different results?" My psychologist couldn't explain it. I did also experience CPTSD. But it was recognized and documented very early on I wasn't neurotypical. I joke that I deserve an EGOT for my masking. Because when my mask does slip people struggle to understand what's happening.