The Science of Attraction: Why You’ve Not Met Someone - Matthew Hussey (Bonus Episode)

Wow, im currently living this. Met a guy online that has similar values and ideologies as me. We went on our first date and I wasnt immediately attracted to him and thought he might see me as more as a friend. Went home and really thought things through. I realized i made a quick judgement in my head and created a whole narrative around it. My history is being physically attracted to "good looking" men but they lacked consistency and had poor communication. This guy has everything i would eant in a partner and that im willing to give too. I decided to give another chance to truly get to know him and I'm madly in love with him. Im excited to learn more about him and love how much time we spend together. Its so important to check yourself and recognize the patterns in your dating life. Thanks for reading my novel lol

I think that it's important to feel attracted to our partner and not only choose it because he/she is a "good person".

Surprised by all the hate in the comments! Honestly as someone who’s recently had a failed relationship, the things he’s saying about people fixating on the wrong stages and perceived value is so spot on

Great dialogue. As someone who has been married for 40 years, I feel like I have some perspective to offer on long term relationships. One thing I can add is that the person to whom you commit, grows and changes over time, as will you. My husband and I are very different people than we were decades ago. Our changes haven't happened at the same time, or always in a way that makes the other person comfortable. Balancing the work to grow as an individual and work to grow together in a relationship is complex. There are often difficult tradeoffs to make and how you see the "price" of those will change over time. I get that dating is hard: Being with someone else for a long time isn't easy :). But the rewards of hanging in there? For me, so worth it.

I think we as a society put SO MUCH emphasis on our physical appearance and on how someone makes us feel. Both are fallacies. Looks will ALWAYS fade/change and a lot of times the way we feel with someone is our actually our childhood insecurities being activated. We have to first have a healthy view of ourselves, of love and of other people BEFORE we decide whether we are attracted to someone or not. I was 43 y/o when I met my husband and got married. I was extremely insecure and thought my looks (that I was losing quickly) were everything. My husband is 12 years younger than I am. He fell in love with me bc of my heart. Yes he thinks I’m beautiful, but he told me that he had never met a woman with my heart and he knew he couldn’t let me go. I was shocked! He’s changed my perspective. Love and attraction is WAY more than looks. We’ve been married 2 1/2 years. 🥰

Let's be real here. If there is no attraction by the third date, it's unlikely it will ever appear without hard work on both sides. And even then, imagine one side often feeling rejected or unwanted, while the other side dreading the sex nights, or feeling ambushed and coerced. Values are important, but they don't have to match ideally, nearly always some compromise can be achieved. But how to compromise when there is no mutual attraction?

If you date a man you’re not attracted to, you’ll be dissatisfied and grow resentment. There needs to be attraction. You can’t force that. You’ll just end up feeling unhappy. Please be single rather than date someone you find unattractive people. Personality isn’t enough. I’m sorry, without some kind of attraction, it won’t work. Please stop dismissing this. It’s not selfish to want attraction in a partner.

When I met my husband I wasn’t initially attracted to him as he wasn’t my usual ‘type’. But I soon realised that he made me feel good ie no anxiety, no stress around being with him, no questioning if I was good enough etc etc. the physical attraction came a bit later. We’ve been married 9 years now 🥰

"We start giving to somebody else what we wish someone would give us" So true. And then we completely avoid what they want or think they're crazy for wanting that.

I quit dating apps some time ago now, and I can honestly say it's one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health and self-confidence. I don't care how long it takes to meet somebody, I will do it the organic way. It just feels so much more free and natural, and it's really allowed me to be way way more present with the people in my life and the people who are right in front of me

I’ve listened to so many dating advices that I don’t even want a relationship anymore. I’m really content and happy on my own.

Take it from me.... 18 years ago I fell in love with this handsome, charming, hard worker, amazing lover and married him, but we had NOTHING in common! Not the same values, not the same definition of loyalty, or what fun means, etc... but I forced this relationship because I was obsessed with the idea of being with him. Now I am divorced and I totally see what Matthew says: connection and attraction is not everything. There is so much more... and we can't ignore that.

Matthew Hussey grew a lot over the years. From the guy who was teaching women how to get the guy, to not date for attraction is a great evolution. While I don’t like that many women may have wasted their time by following his earlier advice, the fact that he learned and is now teaching from his new found wisdom is something I can admire. Thanks for doing that, Matthew.

It’s not possible to date someone you aren’t attracted to in some form or capacity. It may be their smile, sound of their voice or even mannerisms, but there should always be something you are attracted to cause it lets you know the laws of physics are at work in the universe, pulling you towards someone who is next supposed to be in your life for a reason and a lesson , beautiful or hard ones. Remember one man’s weed is another man’s rose. Beauty is very personal and we all have our “types” that draw us in like a magnet to one another.

Don't kid yourself, attraction is important. Perhaps you can date someone less attractive but you have to be attracted

This guy is correct. Love does not conquer all. It never has. Compatibility does. I've found my relationships have become far more fulfilling when prioritising compatibility. Sure attraction and connecting is great. But that is only one facet of compatibility. Values, lifestyles, wants and needs all need to be considered. When you both agree on the important stuff you aren't spending your time arguing. Instead you are spending your time enjoying each other's company and focused on building a life together in a way you both envision and are both excited for.

What he says at 7:50 is so spot on! I immediately lose all respect for someone who falls head over heels for me. That's just not someone I can take seriously. Often they aren't really falling for me anyway. They are just desperately looking for someone. Not me, just anyone. They are needy.

❤❤ huge fan

This conversation is super interesting. I dated a lot in my teens and 20's and didn't ever settle down with one person. My family sort of felt sorry for me that my cousins and other peers were getting married and choosing to have families. I guess I didn't feel sorry for myself, but the family pressure was frustrating. Finally, in my 30's I got lucky to meet someone that made it to the compatibility component of the levels Matthew describes. I think that's where all my other relationships fell short. Now I feel incredibly grateful to have a partner that does have shared goals, and we discuss if those things are evolving/ how that impacts the other person. And I couldn't be more happy to share my life with my partner. It was definitely worth the wait to find a person that was in the same frame of mind and perspective. Looking back on "failed" relationships, I can definitely see at what level the communication/ structure of the relationship broke down. None of them had the right level of importance at the right time. I appreciate this interesting framework to consider relationships within.

Ugh. All of this is too nebulous and complicated. I can’t pay attention to all the things. Why do we expect everyone to always be a good partner, be a good worker/employee, be entrepreneurial, constantly pursue improvement and learning, maintain a functioning household, and follow and engage in their interests. Too much. This existence is stupid and overwhelming, I welcome death.