Reparenting Yourself

I was recently thinking about the chaos I grew up in, and thought about how the best move would have been to emancipate myself. To disengage from the crazy and make myself my primary concern. Then it occurred to me that it isn't too late to start. That's what led me to this video.

Thank you about speaking on these issues with such compassion. Compassion is something that is completely new to me, a child of a covert narcissist mother. Up until recently, I thought the world was out to get me, judge me, brand me 'bad' and discard me. It is only recently that I stopped buying into the her narcissistic fantasy that kept me brain-washed and scared my whole life. Finding people like you and other psychologists on Youtube who are helping people like me free of charge, out of the kindness of their beautiful hearts has been a mind-blowing experience for me. In a way, I feel reparented by the Youtube community of enthusiast psychologists and I will forever be grateful to you all. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. <3

I’m 38 and finally realizing it. Lots of anger emotions. But I’m grateful for the wisdom

I thanked myself for doing all I could to protect myself in an unsafe environment. And I instantly felt the release of that tension that I held inside of me all these years in my exhale. Thank you

Not sure how to describe this. I'm a fairly old man. Who grew up in a very different world to the one we see today. Mental health and self care really wasn't a thing. How do I put this. I grew up in a family where there was little or no signs of love. Although I know my parents did love me in their own way. And any signs of emotion as a child weren't allowed. So as a small child don't get overexcited, don't get upset, don't cry. All the things children should be doing. My mum could be volatile, and looking back I am sure she was going through her own issues. This would have been at a time where there was no help or support. As a child I couldn't see this. And took it on as my fault and the cause for her being so very fragile. I've noticed recently that I still do this in adult life. I have found myself reacting to certain things and felt just like that small boy I was as a child who only really wanted a hug off his mum. If you've read this far I'm sorry. Not sure it makes any sense.

I’ve finally realised very late in life that I had a narcissistic mother and a father who was co dependant on her, so learned at an early age to NOT exist I became the compliant child always trying to please everyone so that I would be accepted as a GOOD girl so my needs were never met or acknowledged so what you say about re wiring certainly resonates with me, so this is what I need to learn how to do, so I have to learn how to contradict everything that my parents led me to believe that I was useless and never accepted me as an adult, they are long gone now but I don’t seem to be able to move on.I feel like I am frozen in time by my inner child who feels abandoned and doesn’t belong anywhere as an adult, so a lot of what you sat registers with me but my inner child’s beliefs are so convincing that I find myself constantly anxious and scared and incapable because I can’t believe in the adult me,

So nice to hear that inner negative voice is me trying to protect myself against scapegoating. Used to think of it as my abusive parent's voice but this feels much more true.

That critical inner voice point was so good. It's really helped me understand why it's there. Thank you! I will be able to approach it with so much more compassion, as opposed to the irritation of it existing.

12:43 If you're like me, and an entire system said I was bad and deserved maltreatment, this difficulty is magnified by the social pressure of those who devalue you by decree and enforce it by mob.

Dear Barbara, words cannot describe how incredible your videos are! Every single word hits home and feels true.

You explanations are very clear and the graphics help too. I was very pleased to hear you include All ages as I do believe that Seniors can change if they are strongly motivated. Your voice is pleasing and you are quite animated and cheerful. I am learning a lot from you. Thank you.

10:06 I probably did a lot of this self-talk as an only child when very young. That got the scrutiny of my self-centered, needy mother, who eventually took me to a few pediatricians, and even a child psychologist, who after observing my demeanor away from her presence ALWAYS concluded there was nothing wrong with me. So she gave up and attributed my quirks as fate pre-ordained for her, as she perceived it, to have a difficult child. And to this day, she really has no self-awareness how much of her dissatisfaction in life is of her own making and self-sabotage, always shifting the blame onto others. Took me six decades to free myself of that ball and chain of always second-guessing myself when making crucial personal decisions.

I'm so glad I found you. I had been feeling frustrated due to living with my family I'm having a really hard time and when I opened to my family they kinda blamed me for it. But going through these resources i understand what's happening. I found I'm emotionally enmeshed and also parentified but only i can help me as an adult in my twenties. My family of origin can't. Thank you so much 💜❤️

Empaths tend to be responsible to keeping the world together

Yep! My inner child needed my love the most, and without programmed self judgement. Shadow work allowing me to observe, how and why I disconnected from my inner baby in the first place. That's exactly how I perceive therapy too. A fact finding mission, and not a fault finding mission. Plus our major advisors instructed for psych majors, to get into therapy before graduation. What a journey, to learn to stop absorbing other people's hate towards me as I reparent myself. I am still working on some self talk habits, but I understand the importance of it. Don't verbally abuse my inner baby. I had to cut off so many people, who were targeting and attacking my inner baby and my higher self. I definitely validate my own emotions. I talk to myself like my own best friend when I feel some type of way. Denying my own emotions, is like break checking my emotional vehicle and wasting my own gas (motivation) 💙🦁🐺💓 DBT is absolutely amazing. I do my self talk in the mirror, in the mornings. My mother would never let me bad mouth myself when I was a child, and she would build me up often saying " No one is allowed to hurt you. Not even you" I'm grateful she did. When it came to my "impostor syndrome " she always reminded me, to not be afraid to dream big. I'm teaching my inner child to not be ashamed of coming from loving parents, who aren't perfect but try to be healthy for her. Let these people hate. That's, their problem. Don't make other people's hate you main dish. And self discipline, has allowed me to accomplish goals in the right timing

i want to be there for myself, to show up and be the parent i needed. i want to feel that sense of safety but it feels like long road.

At a very young age, as we kids were subjected to our mother's relentless abuse, I started praying that God would place good people in my path. Almost constantly those prayers were answered, but very often I brought problems into those relationships. It was during college that I started appreciating how my prayers were being answered, that I needed to take responsibility for myself. All those wonderful friends, their parents and families stood in the gap, and they provoked epiphanies through good and hard lessons. Over the years I've contacted some of those old friends and thanked them for their time, their efforts. Some of them are surprised/unwary, while others are happy to know they helped make a difference -- they knew what was going on and knew the roots of the issues. They all helped me understand that I was good enough to marry, good enough to have kids. Our children are grown now, and I'm brought to tears when they say, "You've always been a wonderful Dad! I wish all children could have a dad like you!"

My inner child doesn't want to work, and I have no support, so I can't afford the help she wants because she won't let me work. i have no idea what to do. I know how to work but it's like I'm stopped from doing so. If I bulldoze her and work anyways I ruin our relationship and burn out and end up not working for weeks or months effectively keeping me in poverty. If I just don't work I don't make money and so I'm stressed because I can't pay my bills on time or afford food. She wants to play but I feel like I can't do that because I need to work. I hate this. I have no idea how to meet her needs. I can't take care of a child and be a child at the same time. A dead child can't play. If I don't work I die. And yet I can't work because I can't play. What kind of awful crap is this I feel so trapped. I don't know how to let go and let her play or give her what she needs. I have no idea. And if I do it never seems like enough. One day all she wanted to do was read a book. So I did that and got no work done. The next day, I was super productive more than I've been in forever. And the day after that now I'm in an anxiety spiral getting nothing done trying to make this terrorist that is my inner child go away so I can work. I see that I have a dismissive relationship with my inner child. That makes me sick. It's the same relationship my dad had with me. My mom was also too anxious about her own crap to meet my needs. ... I actually think I figured something out. I need to play. Evey day. If I need to stop and chill and not work, I need to do that. I almost always know when it's time to stop and play again. Today I wanted to sleep in, but I bulldozed that urge when I should have let myself sleep in. I'm going to go outside and lay in the sun. I'm going to make myself tomato soup. I'm going to watch movies. I'm going to read. I'm going to draw. I'm going to deal with worries as they come up in a loving & conscious way without denial or invalidation. I'm going to admit that I feel unsafe. I'm going to promise my inner child that I will take care of her & that she gets to play even though I am feeling unsafe. I can do both. I can play and I can work. Today I am going to prioritize play.

I love that you explain which modalities work best, often, with certain needs. I was in a trial at a university that administered DBT online, perhaps it was due to my own framework, but it has been the only time I have been disengaged in therapy.

Dear Barbara, words cannot describe how incredible your videos are! Every single word hits home and feels true. You are a life saver 🙏