A Lukewarm Defence of Fifty Shades of Grey

if i hear the phrase "little brown-haired girls" one more time i will cringe myself off a cliff

"Snowqueens Icedragon". Somehow that explains everything.

A fanfic writer calling other fanfic writers 'parasitic' is certainly something

Alternate Title: Your PhD-having uncle teaches you about smutty fanfiction

"Designated Sex Bed" is a killer name for a punk band.

"I could feel the color of my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of the communist manifesto." - Stalin

How is not completely exhausting to read a book where the narrator’s reaction to every single occurrence is “Holy craparoni!!! What in the fricking heckballs is going on????”

How kinks are introduced in media: "I have...a dark secret" How I got introduced: "Hey, could I tie you up?"

"I was drafted. She's not well." Anastasia sounds like a soldier from WW2 being forced to go in place of her sick mother.

People: "Fifty Shades depicts an abusive relationship" E. L. James: "OMG no it doesn't and saying that actually trivializes what real abuse survivors go through!!!" Real Abuse Survivors: "What I went through was pretty much this." E. L. James: "Shut the f*ck up."

"I'm a sadist, Bella" hit me with the same energy as the "I'm weird. I'm a weirdo" line from Riverdale.

"in a society that sees 'porn for women' as both setup and punchline" great line great video

"Anna tries to sex him back to happiness by letting him tie her up and blindfold her, but it doesn't work, because it's not extreme enough, so he's sitting, up late at night, playing sad piano." xD

But seriously, how great would it have been if Christian was like "through here is my playroom" And Ana was like "what, like your xbox?" and Christian was like "yeah" and they just played Jet Set Radio Future the rest of the movie.

"And you’re reticent, like your stepdad," is a truly bizarre thing to say to someone in the middle of a sex contract negotiation

Someone's probably already commented about this, but Ana being perpetually bewildered by literally every sexual encounter is another form of double wish fulfilment, just in a slightly less obvious way. With Christian's gifts, it's easy to see where the double fantasy is: Christian gives her a gift, Ana refuses because she's a "good girl" that isn't greedy or a gold digger, but gets them anyway, allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. However, Ana's sexual ignorance is also a double sided fantasy. By having ignorance about sex, Ana retains her sexual "purity" -- after all, a woman that knows everything about sex is a dirty slut, and a woman who knows about BDSM and is gasp excited about it is clearly psychologically troubled. But Christian gives her "good" and "kinky" sex anyway, letting her have the satisfaction of being seduced and pleasured sexually in a "BDSM" lifestyle. It's a way to keep her perpetually virginal and "innocent" which has all sorts of messed up ideas about sexuality and BDSM wrapped into it. But that's to be expected with 50 Shades.

The 'I don't make love' line put to Edward's grimacing, agonised face is the most side-splittingly hilarious thing to come out of 50 Shades ever.

truth be told, I'd rather see My Immortal turned into a major movie trilogy

I just can't get past the unrealistic concept of "I'm sick, so I'm going to ask my roommate to interview some rich guy for me".

Why is it so difficult to have Christian just say, “I like to whip people, it arouses me. It helps me get off. If you’re not comfortable with that, that’s okay. We’re just not compatible.”