Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships | Shasta Nelson | TEDxLaSierraUniversity
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Published 2017-12-15
She is the author of two books: Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girl- Friends and Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Her spirited and soulful voice can also be read at Shasta’s Friendship Blog and in her relationship health column in The Huffington Post.
She’s been interviewed on the Today show, Katie Couric’s show Katie, The Early Show, and on Fox Extra. She’s been consulted on friendship matters by writers and reporters from such magazines as Cosmopolitan, More, Real Simple, Redbook, and Good Housekeeping, and from such newspapers as The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and the San Francisco Chronicle. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
All Comments (21)
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The three requirements: Positivity Consistency Vulnerability
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What's missing is trust, the moment you can no longer trust a person , with your your feelings, your insecurities, and they don't respect that, then, not a trusted friend, put them in the categories of associate . Actions are stronger than, words. You can forget what a person says, but you can never forget how they made you feel. Right there are your decision makers.
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Our society doesn't encourage good friendships it encourages competition
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For too long, during my 20s and very early 30s, I was the Go-To-Friend: had a lot of "friends," who wanted help, advice, assistance, etc. However, I was rarely asked to join these so-called friends when they secretly planned vacations or get-togethers. The solution? I GOT RID OF TOXIC FRIENDS, and I've never been happier.
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I know why so many of my friendships didn't work out now, it didn't start with positivity. I would bond with others based on the opposite, negativity, or trauma bonding. It is so important to have a good positive relationship with yourself first so that future friendships can build properly by starting with the first requirement: positivity. Thank you Shasta 🌻
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I made a mistake of being flaky towards people who always wanted to spend time with me. I thought this would protect me from harm, but in the end I just was lonely. Now, I know that one of the most important things in a friendship is to show up regardless of how you feel. It is better that you are there than not
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I had a best friend for 30 years. We were independent but when we got together she was my family. We did everything together. We went to the gym, she had the coffee I had the muffins. We went shopping together Disneyland, Las Vegas, camping...you name it, we did it! We made quality time for each other. But I lost my best friend to cancer a few years ago. And ever since I've been trying so hard to find someone like her. I know you can't compare but it seems like everyone that I meet now either will go out and when you make that effort to meet up all of a sudden they have to leave right after or I have to do this or they cancel at the last minute or they move the time or my daughters in town or I have to watch my grand kids or something or other and it seems like nobody has the time. But I'm not gonna wait around for someone who has the time. Nor will I dig my shovel now 6' under and wait. I'm my own best friend until the right one comes along. It's all about values and beliefs and I value and worship a great friendship. I understsnd life happens. But no one is (toooo busy) not to make time for you. And we were blessed with mouths to speak and ears to hear. Fingers weren't meant to text and eyes are becoming the empty souls of relationships.
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Yeah. I could be on the phone for an hour listening to this one friend. Then when I start to talk this person always has to go. 😆
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Personally, I find the lack of time commitment to be the biggest friendship killer. The glorification of busy has reduced most of my friendships to merely "friendly acquaintances." Strangely enough, these "frientances" usually lack neither positivity nor vulnerability; most likely because we're so starved for validation. It's all about knowing who talks to you in their free time, or who takes the time to talk to you. In the end; however, we usually find ourselves sitting on a two-legged chair, simply because sometimes it's better than nothing at all.
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The cure for addiction is not sobriety- it’s connectedness... maybe that’s why Meetings help? Food for thought...
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I’ve always had a difficult time finding real friends, people who genuinely cared about me, etc. I always had the superficial type of friends, like it was nothing genuine. until this year, I met this guy who i feel like is a brother to me and honestly, it’s probably the most genuine and loving friendship I ever had. I feel comfortable enough with him to tell him my biggest secrets, I trust him so much I can’t even put it into words and he’s the same with me, he has shared things with me that he doesn’t dare telling anyone else and idk, we’re always supporting each other and wanting each other to do great in life, it’s just such a nice feeling, having a real friend lol.
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The vulnerability part is where I suffered. It got to a point where I stopped talking to my best friend because I felt awful after every conversation I had with her. I became scared and uncomfortable telling her how I truly felt. That was my sign something was not right.
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In the chance that you encounter a friend that turns out to be a narcissistic psychopath, they WILL use your ‘vulnerabilities’ AGAINST you. This makes it extremely hard to be ‘vulnerable’ to other’s in future relationships.
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This TALK deserves a million more views, at the very least!
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That sharing story was the story of my life. Always facilitating meet ups, birthday surprises... always listening to troubles, but no one ever listened to me. Last week while on holidays with my ''5 best friends'', when I finally confronted them (after 10 years of friendship) about not ever bringing me a birthday cake or even a small present on my birthday, they all thought I was being irrational, loud and frankly half of them didn't remember they were at my party... true fact, one of them looked at me and said I acted like a beggar, asking for attention... Long story short, I came back from holidays with a new outlook on life and relationships... needless to say I haven't called anyone and they haven't been in touch ever since... probably they don't remember any of this happened... oh well! At least, as weird as it sounds, I'm lighter at my feet. We'll see what the future holds!
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I would add to her speech...we hugely need two things to develop better friendships: reciprocity and people who really become interested on our lives, the things we do and like, people who share with us the same interests.
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more people need to watch this, because like most friendship/r/s advice, its a 2 ways street. you could provide all 3 requirements on your end, but when the other party is not willing to do the same, its impossible to achieve this. I've watched so many show on how to cut toxicity and keep proper friends, but what if... there's no one left?
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I cant make friends that ARENT close. I either click fully or cant click at all and lose interest or get uncomfortable. Ive never been in groups and am super uncomfortable lol. Close friends have challenges.. kind of like family.. it gets complicated but rewarding at times to share everything.
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But if you try to bring up your needs and you get zero response? That is very saddening and makes me try to make new friends anyhow. But I love that I now know about this triangle. And what I should look for and give myself😊
