Adult with Autism | My Struggle with Socialisation | 42

I understand and feel exactly the same. I don’t want to fit in. I just want to be left alone and do my autistic stuff.

Dear God, I just had to pause the video to say what a fuckin banger of a metaphor you made when you talked about watching Squid Game with English dubbing. I always feel like there is something just, wrong, whenever I examine how other people go about their lives. Like everything would start making sense if everyone else started making sense.

Hi Paul. I feel a little like you, kind of... The difference is that I've spent most of my life (I'm older than you) not knowing I'm autistic. So I forced myself to try to socialize as I saw others doing. I've become very resilient, but I realize now that I never really wanted to socialize, I just tried to because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. In fact, I've acted all my life. My interaction with others is a grandiose representation of enormous proportions! haha We get exhausted just because we are continually thinking about all concivable possibilities, let alone having small talk with neurotypicals. But I also think that we need to share our ideas and talk to others… likeminded. That's something I'm trying to convince myself to do too (although I really like to spend my time reading and studying... a lot). Otherwise we risk spending all our time recycling our own monologues. :)

It all sounds so familiar... Avoiding in person situations by hiding behind the phone pretending to text, changing alleys in shops.. done all that.. yet I may exchange countless enjoyable messages with the same person that I avoid in 'real life' - introversion at its finest.

Parallels mate. From as far back as I can remember. Neighbours, work, shopping. The whole school, after school stuff drop offs and watching sport when son was a lad with other parents was on a whole different level. Even now if family get together dinners etc(I mean my own family FFS)....anxiety beforehand, don't want to go, torture whilst there and an endurance exercise, struggling with pointless conversations and knowing my face and eyes are glazed and set to zero. As soon as I leave a weights lifted and I recharge. I go out walking but now wait until late evening so I don't see too many people who want to say hello, nod, raise eyes as we pass. Part of it all for me has always been from as young as 5 or 6 why i don't know how to have fun and socialise....I've always looked the part and masking my group had no idea. The exhaustion though led to what I now know to be burnouts but always put down to depression and given tablets by gp. If I'd known about being able to be autistic and able to function I could have maybe mapped things vetter and not lost touch with and had fall outs over the years. When young I was deemed shy, as a teenager and a young man ro date rude and arrogant and unsocial. Part of me would love to be able to just do what others do and whilst I love my own company I stay in but know I'm missing out. I was 18 in 1988 when the whole acid house thing took off and yes I know its not to be recomended but the drugs associated with all that and alcohol got me through a period socially. Others were euphoric whilst it propelled me to a position of their normality for social interaction. 51 now and watched so many videos to learn and realise that I am without doubt autistic and would fall into functioning. A relief to know why life's been like it has in my head but I won't lie a part of me is ashamed and embarrassed to tell people. I know that's daft but the real me inside my head doesn't match the me that people know. Like I've over the years developed a character.

I watch a lot of content creators in the autism space and I relate to yours the most. I avoid social interactions like the plague. Whether it’s a friend or family, it doesn’t matter, it’s too taxing. I haven’t visited my family for holidays in over two years and I’m tired of trying to find reasons to not go that they’ll accept and understand.

As an autistic person, I really want to get married and have kids, but it feels like everyone is talking a different language to me. I have never felt so depressed in trying to meet someone. This is the biggest problem I have with being autistic. Because other interactions, I can take or leave, I can go for weeks on my own happily. But this part of my life, my only dream in life of having a family, and being a smashing parent, is not something I can control.

Great video Paul,what I find as bad as an invite to an event (especially if I cannot get out of it) is the week’s/month’s off anxiety I get until the event takes place, and then most the time after I have been to the wedding ect I think to myself that was nowhere near as painful as I thought it would be, and I ask myself why I got so worked up by it in the first place,as for saying things the wrong way I have mostly got past that one,some people are very touchy and will take offence at anything, I have learned to tell myself that if this happens it is their problem and not mine,a few years ago it would of kept me awake at night thinking I may have upset someone but then remember people do not give a dam about upsetting us.

Paauulll!!! 👈 (I'm already sorry if that was annoying 😅)... I can't even get over just how strongly I relate to you!!! I've said it before I know, but when I hear someone speak their mind and they're basically another me, which very few people are cause of the squid game dub metaphor you mentioned also being my reality, the lightbulb moment after lightbulb moment has my attention throughout the whole video like 👁.👁 💡 There's so little in this mad world that's as comforting as someone who not only gets me, but explains it all exactly how I'd probably explain it if the camera were on me! I'm gonna stop typing cause I could say so much to you from this video alone, but as you mentioned the comments do pose the slight pressure to reply and I know all too well how that can feel, and I respect that! I just wanna say that this is definitely a video that I'm gonna share with the people in my life when the time is right. I'm also sick of having to explain myself and being made to feel so out of place because I have so little interest in other people, am personally not interested in a relationship, don't ever wanna get married or have kids, dread the possibility of being invited to a close friend's future wedding, feel too anxious to even order food sometimes, can't leave the house A LOT, live alone and need to live alone yet NEVER feel lonely!! Just, thank you for this 🙏 it's not incoherent rambling like you think it is, it's keeping my imposter syndrome at bay and helping me a great deal so I need to tell you that and to thank you so much! Ps - yeah wedding dresses are massively overrated 🙄🤣

Hi Paul, another super nervous commenter here but I had to say “I have to keep my hair very tightly in a bun” had me 😂. Hope you get good rest and some more good games of tug-o-war this weekend! 🐶

Good video. Helpful content. Amusing moments. Thank you.

I'm commenting. Because I want to. Love it. I enjoyed the content, thx.

Hi Paul. Well done at popping out a video. I thought it would be a week or so. I can’t imagine the stress you have been under returning to work. I say “nut bag” all of the time and calling Boris that is fitting. I completely get your stress whilst socializing. It’s extremely hard for me and I kind of do it for a living! My recharge time is critical to my survival. About saying no. When I was a teenager my mom gave me a book called “When I Say No I Feel Guilty.” It was excellent. My mom knew I had trouble telling kids no to things as I would always rather be alone. The book basically says you have a right to say no without any explanation! None. The people in the wrong are the ones who ask why. You always have a right to say no! Period. I am giving you complete power to say no and I respect you for it! You are now completely healed! 😂🤣 Also I am so there with anxiety about leaving comments on YouTube. I am anxious about this one🤣. They same with emails. The minute I hit send am I like how can I get it back. Have I shared too much? Have I said something offensive? When mistakes have I made? It’s is always there but a do it anyway. Otherwise I would miss out on the dialog. You were one of the first people I found that made me feel not alone. (That has to be one of the worst constructed sentences ever!) And certainly the first person I felt I could respond to. I hope you have a tremendous weekend recharging! Get some sleep man! Catch you on the next one!

I love watching your videos, its like hearing my thoughts said out loud, something you seem to have down better than me haha! Also on an unrelated note, did I just see little George on the Fenrir Canine chanel? I saw a red fox lab, then he called him George and I thought of you. Thank you for the video as always! (also, with comments on youtube, this is the only channel I comment on, because I feel more comfortable here than anywhere else, thank you)

Thanks, you are never boring. One day when I was in high school, I was crying on my bed (I never cry). My mom heard and came in. I told her, "I can't talk to people." She responded, "Snap out of it. Do you want to end up in a mental institution?" I had no idea how to engage in small talk. Nor did I want to. I felt like an alien observing a totally different species. A few months later, she kicked me out of the house. I had to move in with my dad (who is awesome), and started seeing a psychiatrist. The nightmare deepened when I was prescribed various antidepressants. That's when I started consciously masking and ran away to Las Vegas (bad idea). If I was properly diagnosed, it would've saved a lot of pain throughout the years, because at least I would have understood.

Hi Paul. I'm Autistic and I am a mother to an autistic 22 year old daughter. I would like to thank you for taking the time to make these videos. It is greatly appreciated and helpful. 🇿🇦❤️

I stumbled upon your videos after discovering you on spotify whilst researching people's experiences with autism. I can relate with a lot of your stories and I enjoy your usual waffling. So keep doing these videos, they are great, insightful and enjoyable!

I am waiting for as assessment and I always go backwards and forwards on whether I think I am autistic or not or whether it's just ADHD and social anxiety but watching your channel it's like yes finally an autistic person I can really relate to and describes exactly what I go through. I have so many similar thoughts to yours!

Absolutely makes sense. I'm 27 and pretty much the same. I don't even answer phonecalls because I just don't feel like talking to anyone really (let alone texting or chatting on some kind of social platform, rarely that happens, when it does, I tend to keep it brief and to the point). I just really like minding my own business and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Not boring at all. Another great video. Loved it