Finding "The One" - Esther Perel
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Published 2017-04-14
This idea of finding "The One" is problematic for relationships. The paradox of choice creates a real sense of anxiety for people looking to find a long-term partner. The expectations of this one person to satisfy all of our many emotional, physical, and spiritual needs is a tall order for one individual.
Perhaps, instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with. And there are no perfect stories.
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For more relational resources from Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com.
All Comments (21)
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and that's why I love this quote "The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person--without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other. "— Osho
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This is the clearest and most sound advice you could possibly get on the internet about dating advice. Unbelievable.
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"There is not one person who can give us everything."
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every couple has issues-- the questions is which issues you wanna deal with, you pick this person you will deal with those issues, you pick that person you will deal with other issues. well said.
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I knew my husband was the one because when I was around him, I felt sooo calm and at peace, I was content even if we were just doing nothing ❤️ 11 years later and he’s still the one and I’m more in love w him today then I have ever been.
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This makes me think about a wonderful line from The Good Place: “You don’t find your soul mate. You choose your soul mate.” The person who is “The One” for you is going to be the person who wants to face this crazy thing called life with you, through all the ups and downs. They’ll be the person who chooses you, and who you choose.
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"Every couple has issues. The only question is which issues you want to deal with. You pick this person, you'll deal with these issues. You pick that person, you'll deal with other issues."
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I love this woman. Speaks the truth
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She is so intelligent! You pick this person, you deal with this issues, you pick the other person, you deal with the other issues. It is so true.
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When i was 17, I've asked my mother: How did you know that my father was THE ONE, when will I be sure that somebody is the one? My mother replied - When you DIE - in the meantime you will doubt yourself sometimes more, sometimes less. It was plain and simple and removed "the one" concept from my mind. I was expecting some story when I saw him the light shined....
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The last guy I dated thought I was “the one” for him. Trying to meet his expectations made me physically sick. I loved him but I felt too much pressure on me; I wasn’t happy, but I loved him and wanted to make him happy by being with him and being perfect for him. Of course, if you’re not happy everything will be just worst and worst. Don’t look for “the one” please, look for a person you want to take care of and who you feel is like your best friend.
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bam...she broke it down....Love Esther
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She's exactly right. No other person can give us the inner validation we need. We must know and love ourselves fiest, the way our Creator designed, before we can love another out of the overflow.
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It's a bit unrealistic to expect someone to be meet all their needs lol...relationships are not like that at all, that's why we need to provide that for ourselves. Shared values, interests and attraction is incredibly important...I love how she puts all this information together, she's not only a realist but a very wise woman who explores the topic in a way that is illuminating, I like this woman, she's smart!
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Yes!!! I say this too- everybody has issues, you just have to decide what kind of issues you are most willing to tolerate. Simple. Great video Esther, thanks :)
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0:15 the idea of the one & choice 0:49 what does the concept of "the one" mean? 1:23 the one being phenomenal 1:47 the wish-list / community vs. partnership 2:46 Esther's message 3:06 how to define the idea of "the ONE" new 3:31 "write a story together" <3 3:47 your choice :) Thank you, Esther. J. :)
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"I want with you, basically, I would normally get from an entire community" such a true statement about modern dating! It goes to show that even a seemingly unrelated issue like 'dating' hasn't escaped the break down of community
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The one is the person who being with him or her doesn't require you to change. The connection is effortless and you are at peace with yourself in this relationship. Old saying is the relationship brings the best out of you.
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I just discovered you on a TED talk episode, and I can't tell you how much I admire your wisdom, honesty, and wonderful humor. I dream of being your research assistant one day. These difficult topics are fascinating to me because they reveal how frail we are and how much the deck is stacked against us the moment we are born. What you are doing, sharing your insights , help shine a light, is the kind of humanitarian endeavor that is very much needed right now in our world.
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Straight truth, no chaser!
