Demand Avoidance

A key aspect of this is actively avoiding even the things you WANT to do. It gives a layer of seeming rationality to someone on the outside looking in, which just feeds the issue. I find that the most success when I mentally "park" the anxiety or the task I need to do the most, and get started on another task that also needs to be done at random; once I have momentum it's easier to do the thing I was having the most issue with. I also have ADHD and I think part of the reason none of this was identified when I was a kid (apart from being female) was that I function REALLY well with an authority figure that gives me wide parameters/expectations, and then lets me go about my business while still validating me/positive reinforcement. It's kind of embarrassing, to be honest, as that seems like a juvenile type of work, but I work on it every day, and it's good to know I'm not just made wrong--especially as I'm so good at acting like a "normal" person on the outside to the degree that people don't believe me when I share my struggles.

This is exactly what i'm like. I had no idea about this. It's crazy, I've been describing this to my therapist for years and i've had to fight everyone who calls me a perfectionist, because I am not a perfectionist. I only manage to finish a few of the things i'm the most talented at, and I have quite an advanced artistic sensibility, which confuses people.

For me, the avoidance has a lot to do with preserving and asserting autonomy. Not sure if this is related to past trauma where that autonomy was disregarded and stripped away or if this is just a core element, but yeah, that’s my tiny bit of input. Thank you so much for discussing this topic!!💜

wow, i didn’t know demand avoidance was a thing, but yes i experience it way more than i wish i did. the problem for me is that i also really like to plan ahead and know what’s going to happen to prepare myself— so it’s kind of a double-edged sword. i want to plan something weeks in advance to prepare myself, but spend all that time dreading it and avoiding it and procrastinating on what i need to do to prepare myself! (school deadlines are always the worst!) i have adhd and anxiety diagnoses.

The best way I've found to not do something is to make it a goal. I have to sneak up on things I really want to get done- if I write it down, it's almost guaranteed to not happen. Calling home to let my husband know I'll be late is super difficult; it feels like I owe him the call- not just being considerate. FYI I'm 64, and it's taken me years to figure this out.

Hey Ella. Great video. I'm not diagnosed with PDA, but I do have ASD and ADD diagnoses. The profile is very consistent with my behaviour and expression of my neurodivergence! The worst part about it is not being able to get the things done that you want to do. And I have spent my whole life being labelled as 'lazy' and 'defiant', because I would not do what people asked me to do. That has been very hard on my self-esteem and self-confidence, but I'm slowly building those back up now that I have rediscovered my identity as an autistic person. I thought you might like to hear these insights. Thanks

It sounds like I have demand avoidance, but I originally thought I was a poor self-starter. The thought of doing some tasks either gives me a bit of anxiety (like making phone calls) or causes me to push some things aside for later as if I was procrastinating. Thank you so much for these videos. While I'm not diagnosed with autism yet since no one is doing evaluations right now due to Covid, these videos are helping me and my family learn more about me.

For me anxiety kicks in when I try confronting demands. Up to that point, I can consciously acknowledge there's something to do, but never actually do it. The demand itself makes me feel nothing, as it doesn't exist to me beyond an abstract idea. The second I have to make something of it- it's real, overwhelmingly concrete with concrete consequences. Would love to see the coping skills video you mentioned! Lists and rewards don't work and I haven't seen advice other than that, only thing I have is using used paper for drawing/writing.

Oh yes, I'm like that too. There's instantly that feeling of whatever thing it is I need to do becoming a burden. On one hand I need the structure written down tasks provide and on the other hand these written down tasks make me nervous. There doesn't seem to be a perfect middleground.

This makes soooooo much sense to me. Linking up memories of childhood reactions that made no sense to me, to the sudden motivation extinction that occurs between writing the great to do plan, and doing it. Thank you for the explanation. I found you via Yo Samdy Sam, and have now subscribed.

i’m crying over the fact that there is a word for this, that it exists beyond myself. i’ve just thought my entire life that i’m lazy, even as i logically know that i want to complete the tasks. i always end up procrastinating to the point of never doing it, because i prioritize anything that allows me to feel freedom and self- sufficiency, anything that doesn’t challenge me enough to trigger anxiety. i just can’t believe that this is something real, and not me just making excuses for myself, calling it executive dysfunction even when this part never really fit. i’ve just never heard anyone else say that they can only handle one anxiety-inducing demand a day, and now that i have, i feel more validated and comforted than i ever have before.

This is very relatable. I have a hard time getting started with tasks I want to do. I just feel anxious AF when time comes around to doing it. Even something I enjoy, like playing piano. I'm still looking for coping strategies so I can actually get some positive things (like self-improvement) done while social distancing. I certainly have the time.

Yep. Have this issue. Now I want to go back to bed and I’ve only been up for 3 hours and done absolutely nothing useful yet.

I never knew why I was the only one in my class who never filled in their school diary. I preferred having my to do’s in my head. It never failed me.

I really struggle with demand avoidance (not PDA), so this is very relatable - especially when it comes to avoiding things I actually want/need to do! The idea of a reward system is really helpful ☺️

I was feeling anxious to hit the like button, but feel better afterward.

I was trying to describe this to my doctor but I couldn't. And since then I've been trying to track this video down again before my next appointment. It appeared in my recommended videos feed. I'm so glad. Ella, I really appreciate that you made this video. It has helped me with thoughts that I couldn't form into words. Thank you!

That happens to me daily. I need to get at things so badly, I want & need to get some things done, but I walk around them. I get fed up and write lists so I can do them. Nothing done on the list so I change the date and go through it the next day, and when I look at the unhelpful lists I get really stressed and I feel even worse about myself. I've only realized I'm probably autistic for about a week. I've always been weird, not like hardly anyone I've ever known, and I found out I have every single symptom. I don't like meeting new people and if one of my kids invite someone to a holiday dinner & if I'm able to wangle out of it myself, I miss them and stay home alone, it doesn't bother me at all.

Do you think not wanting to answer the phone is part of this? I feel like it is an unexpected and unwanted "demand".

Found out about PDA in the last few days. Scored very highly on an online self-assessment. I can see how it's affecting me right now. Putting things in my diary is fine, but when the day arrives, I do anything other than what I need to do been the diary items. It's as if the diary items already feel like overcommitment and adding anything else would be too much. That means I don't do even the most necessary chores. 😢