Narcissists' Enabler Parent: Why They Didn't Protect You

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I heard someone say “if you live in a two parent household with one abusive parent, you have two abusive parents”. Enablers are abusers, too. Often enabling parents gaslight kids into thinking they’re also a victim & they’re all on the same level against the abusive parent, or that it’s the kids fault for triggering the abuser. Do not forget, they were also an adult who knew better and chose to please the abuser for their own sake instead of protecting the children.

I had this conversation with my father about 2 years ago. I was 47. I told him he never protected me. He should have reacted when we were young (my sister and I). He said to me that he was not strong enough to fight against her. He said « It’s like the way it is », meaning that I had to accept the situation and my life. By saying this, he kind of helped me. Suddenly, everything became clear to me. I had always thought he was a victim of her as well, so I would help him when he would ask me for help (for example, he would ask me not to fight with her when I was at their place, because then she would be evil with him when I go back to my home). He asked me for the protection that I never had from him ! We had reversed the roles. Since this conversation, I don’t feel sad anymore for my father. He can be sick, have surgery, die…. I feel like I don’t care at all. Because HE has chosen HIS life. I CAN CHOOSE MINE. I have to take care of myself now, and heal from my childhood. Needless to say, when I fight with my mother, he defends her, even on the phone, he takes the phone and tells me to STOP ! like I’m the evil daughter. Besides, without being the narcissist that she is, he infantilizes me lot. I’ve realized that both my parents are toxic and impaired my development.

They didn’t protect you from abuse bc they’re selfish and only care about their “peace”. They’d rather you be the sacrificial lamb than actually fighting for what’s right and for you.

It is so heartbreaking when your enabling parent is watching you suffer but says and does nothing to protect you. If your parents were your biggest bullies and you have survived, and you heal from the traumatic ordeal, you become unstoppable. Thank you 🙏 Jerry 😊 God bless you❤

The commitment and bond the enabler has towards their narcissistic spouse is stronger than the commitment to themselves and consequently, their children as well.

Absolutely true! My mom was like an innocent victim in my perspective for decades. It took a long time to realize she was part of the game. She took no action, and didn't protect me. It's painful and relieving getting closer to the truth.

When I confronted my mother about my father’s abuse, including sexual, she said “If it’s even true, you should get over it because it’s in the past!” She then started sobbing because my father was in love with another woman. She is still with him. Her fear of being alone and having less than she has now, is bigger than the pain of abuse. She willingly put an abuser before her own children. I cut all ties with them 15 years ago and moved abroad.

I alwyas thought that my mother was "the good one" despite never protecting me. Looking back, she was just as narcissistic; she was just more covert.

"you were fed clothed and you had a roof over your head" is always thrown at me... I didn't ask to be born and my parents made me feel like I was the burden, my mother is much worse then my father but NOW I can see that it was never my fault... and there's nothing I can do to change things... I just need to try and become the best I can be, but growing up like this makes you into your own worse enemy.

“Any resistance to others that treat me badly only makes it worse”. That hits so hard.

“Don’t rock the boat” my Mom would say every time I tried to fight back. Thank you so much for sharing insight! Much love.

My father was the enabling parent and was happy that she was torturing me instead of him. She had to torture someone. That was just the normal. He never put her in her place. Never defended us. He would join in the torture to please her. Awful.

One of the hardest things that I still struggle with today...even after doing lots of internal work. Is that even in a supportive relationship I still feel like there is no one who would bat for me. I feel quite alone sometimes. Thanks again Jerry.

Me: "But Dad, I didn't do anything wrong!" Dad: "Just tell your mother you're sorry. You know how she is."

My mom is a narc; my dad was an enabling/co-dependent secret alcoholic. I used to put my dad on a pedestal because he was a kind and loving person, but he would stand by and watch my mom's abuse and tell me that "we just have to let your mother have her own way.' I live 8000 km away and went no contact with my mother at Christmas. I have been experiencing grief, but not for what I lost, but for what I never had. 😢

My mom was cheating on my dad before I was born, and she benefited from him taking it all out on me. She had a good reason not to protect me. I was begging her to let me leave so I could at least finish my school in peace, but it didn't happen. They destroyed me completely. I learned my profession at the age of 40.

My mom was the narcissist and my dad was the passive quiet type that ignored everything. When I asked him why mom treated me that way he would just tell me to try and ignore it. I really feel like both of my parents never loved me. There is no real love shown in my family, I was the scape goat child that my mother hated and heaped mental abuse on my my whole life.

IMO, enablers are often also narcs as well. They engage in the same tactics like gaslighting and manipulation. All my enablers later unmasked themselves as abusers, too ... only more covert. No one who allows someone to be abused for their own convenience, comfort, or the family image is a good person.

Holy moly. I grew up with this family dynamic, went no contact (finally) just a few years ago. The amount of anguish and problems this caused me with making friends and relationships and self esteem is just something I dont think I'll ever be able to forgive. The fact that my enabler parent never drew the line or stood up for themselves (or me) just makes my blood boil. Its so unfair. Ive spent so much money on counseling and coaching to undo the damage and I've made significant progress. God damn its an uphill battle though. Learning how to not be ashamed of your very existence is quite difficult bit its entirely doable. Get help as soon as you can if you grew up like this, don't wait like I did.