The Narcissist's Enabler - Roles in Narcissistic Families

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The enablers were more distressing to me than the narcissistic person themselves…the betrayal multiplied

A few common phrases I’d like to add from my own experiences with an Enabler covering for a Narcissist: “You know that’s just how she is.” “You just have to let it go.” “You just have to fogive her.”

I used to be the enabler parent, but now after I found out about this disorder I decided to stand up for myself and my kids.

The enablers are in a safe position. They are agnostic. They don't directly do evil, but also don't do anything to stop it. It's about positioning. In this position, you can run either way. You won't get called out for doing anything wrong, nor right. Enablers make excuse for bad behavior, and are rewarded with a safe position , but a shallow one.

My dad was trained into submission through violence early-on in his marriage to my mom. Towards the end of her life she'd brag about throwing plates of spaghetti at his head when they were first married, and how much she enjoyed watching the sauce slide down the wall. She told this story as if it was something to be proud of. All I could think was how psychotic that was. When I finally stood up to her in my early adulthood, my father waited until she'd left the room in a huff and then said, "I'm glad you said something, because I never could have." By then, he'd learned never to stand up to her. It was sad. He knew what would happen. She cut me out of her life for a few years after that night and generally abandoned me for the rest of my adulthood, always holding that moment over my head, but I regret nothing. I stood up for myself. He's been super happy since she passed. He may be elderly, but he's been living his best life. I'm so happy for him! I wish he could have done it sooner somehow but he chose to live with that for almost 60 years.

It's my sincere hope that this doesn't sound at all patronizing when I say that you have a fantastic comprehension and articulation of any and all things Narcissism. Excellent channel!

My Father is the enabler and co-dependent to my Narc mother. This is soooo tragic. So many complicated and messed up dynamics No contact. 1 year. Praise God

You nailed it. Dad enabled, played the poor victim. Said everything you listed, i got gaslighting and guilt trips from him. Abuse shame abd blame from mom. It is so lonely. I have no one and never been able to keep friends because i got treated badly.

My ex family was a nest of narcissists and apparently I kept attracting two ex spouses that were abusers. So glad I’m in my own now. I’m not people pleasing anymore and am developing higher standards and boundaries. Your video explains my brainwashed survival skill set that kept me trapped. I’m still dealing with all the trauma.

As a survivor, this is 200% accurate. Im now divorced from the narcissist after 30 plus years and have no regrets about leaving.

'They shame you into feeling bad about feeling bad' wow!! Just to hear it put into words is so validating, thankyou Darren, I've learned so much from your presentations in three days! I haven't found a video yet about a 'lost child' turning to a 'scapegoat' role as an adult, after seeing behind the curtain and trying to change the dysfunctional family dynamic. It was hard feeling ignored but now I feel actively targeted and it sucks.

At last I’ve got a name for my Mother, the enabler, the quiet lady who never interfered no matter what my Father said to us..we didn’t talk back to him but I always hoped my mother would shut him up..regrettably she never did..

This is my Dad. I told my mother she hurt me, and he came over to give out to me for hurting mum. Wow. He is my mother's foot soldier. I am so sick of the dynamic between them. No insight. No self reflection. No growth. EVER. .

You missed one of the things they say... "you're just like them (the narcissist), you're just as stubborn, selfish etc for making a fuss and expecting any help or sympathy. " Love your videos, thanks. X

My dad and mom were both narcissistic but father was worse and addiction too. Mom enabled him and us children were blamed for a lot of their unhappiness. Now my adult siblings are replaying the roles that were so toxic in our childhood. Dominance and scapegoating is a constant. Narcissistic Golden Child recruits Enablers. I’ve finally surrendered…I have no genuine family connection. They’re actually reaching back to before I entered grade school compiling “evidence” and sharing stories about what a horrible child I was and deserve their neglect and disrespectful behaviors. We’re in our 60’s - it’s so hard to relive this at the hands of my sisters but the more I’ve learned about these disorders I understand why it is occurring. Just wish it weren’t so…

The enablers are fuelling the abuse of the narcissist. It’s a vicious circle that’s going on and the kids suffer the most.

I've been married to a narcissist for decades. I've been in therapy as have our adult children. I've been his apologist for years, excusing his awful and disrespectful behaviour. It was only when my daughter pointed out that he was abusive did the awful realisation take root. The financial, emotional and sometimes physical abuse was hard to deal with. He is very sick now and I'm stuck with a man who can't love, appreciate or give anything of himself except abuse.

This makes me want to cry. Describes my mom and my dad exactly.

As a child, my mother had the narcissistic traits, my dad was the enabler. What you said, were his exact words. He was also physically violent with me (I think out of his frustration). He could have been there and helped me, but I guess he felt it was easier his way. Now ay 60 yo. I'm beginning to see everything for what it was.