The Dark Side of Minimalism: "Decluttering Ruined My Life"

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I saw a video where a guy said that he had two pairs of pants and that was really bothering him and he was trying to figure out a way to own only one pair. That's when I started wondering if extreme minimalism is a form of anorexia of things instead of food. And then I started thinking of hoarding as a form of an overeating disorder with things instead of food. Being bothered by having two pairs of pants is just as messed up as insisting in have a hundred pair of pants.

The problem isn’t with minimalism, the problem is with an obsessive personality. Anything can become toxic if you obsess about it.

I grew up in a minimalist home. My mother threw out everything once it was no longer used daily or at least weekly. Toys, clothes, books, records…all my "stuff." I started trying to hide things that I desperately wanted to keep. It was hard to do that, though, because there wasn’t any place to hide anything. I remember having a complete meltdown when my mother cleaned out my desk and threw out all the letters I’d received from my best friend from 3rd grade who had moved to Japan. (This was in the 1970s and writing letters was the only way I could communicate with him.) I grew up desperate to hold onto things. I found out in my 50s that I’m on the autism spectrum, but not knowing that in childhood made this desire to hold onto things that much more of a trauma when everything got thrown out. Now, as an adult, I’m very much a maximalist. Everything I own has meaning to me. I actually spent quite a bit of time and money during my 30s and 40s trying to replace things I remembered from my childhood. I didn’t need any of these things, but I wanted them back. I own thousands of books and tens of thousands of CDs (that’s not an exaggeration). My house is floor-to-ceiling shelves in all rooms just to store all of this. My therapist agrees that my childhood minimalist trauma probably caused me to be this way, at least in part. I guess the point of this is that minimalism is fine if you live alone and it’s what you want. It’s not OK to impose it on anyone else — especially not children. Children need to be allowed a space that is 100% safe for them. Where they get to choose what stays or goes, without pressure or guidance or any sort of attempt to nudge them in one direction. The damage you can do to your child will last them a lifetime.

I think the underrated problem with minimalism comes from assuming that you should just get rid of anything that you don't really like or immediately need, because you can easily replace it with the better things if needed. But sometimes we keep extra stuff, including mismatched storage jars or not-sparking-joy things, because we cannot afford to buy better ones whenever needed. So, sometimes having just exactly what you need and nothing more is a privilege too.

When I was younger, I lived as a minimalist. People came to my apartment and said "it looks like no one lives here." I realized that my self esteem was so low, and my sense of self so damaged, that I couldn't buy myself anything beyond the minimum necessary for survival. For me, it was a sign of deep depression and trying to "not exist." As an adult, I've slowly added meaningful decor in my space and beautiful things in my life.

Someone in another comment section said they were a "middle-malist" and I love it. I want my house to have a regular amount of things and be reasonably tidy. When looking at those all white/beige houses I always think of a line from Friends when Phoebe admits that she doesn't like living in Monica's super tidy house: "I need to live in a land where people can spill."

You’ll love this story. My oldest daughter was getting ready for her high school grad party by going through all the old videos and photos we have. She was watching a video of when she was seven where she and I were in the video together. As she watch the video, I walked into the room and she burst into laughter. Because I was wearing the same outfit both in real life and on the video from eleven years before. The exact outfit.

The privilege part is so true! The fact that a person can get rid of alot of things and not be affected by it while others can’t afford to do that is something I always keep in mind.

I used to write a gardening blog about ten years ago. I started getting annoyed because I found myself trying to stage pictures photogenically and fuss around a lot. One day I had my young daughter out with me while I was working and I realized I was paying more attention to making things look pretty for readers instead of enjoying time in my garden with my daughter. It was the last post I made. I see the mom influencers and wonder what life must really be like for that family. I enjoyed the video a lot, thanks!

I think if we stop placing so much importance on social media and “keeping up” a lot of these problems will cease to exist.

I grew up lower class and always found minimalism to be kind of bougie, and clutter to be kind of trashy. There were subtle signals I could pick up whenever I entered a home. We never threw things away in my house, because if you threw it out and needed it again down the road, you were SOL because there weren't funds to replace it. Fast forward to now, I ended up meeting and marrying someone who is a mild to moderate minimalist and it's been a journey for both of us to meet in the middle. My spouse has helped me to declutter quite a bit and get rid of things that are worn out, useless, or just strange to possess. On the flip side, I introduced art to our walls and warmed the house up with things like throw pillows and curated book nooks. Our biggest compromises in our house are two separate rooms apart from our bedroom that are basically "our" rooms. His room is scantily decorated with a desk for him to use when he needs to work from home. "My" room has music and concert posters on the walls, collectors items, tchotchkes, LPs, rare books, etc. It's not disorganized, just much more crammed than we would allow in shared spaces in the house. It is such a privilege for each of us to have our own spaces to do with as we please without input from the other. I guess the rest of the house is moderate "middle-malism".

I definitely cannot be accused of being a minimalist, I love OWNING things. But there is one aspect of ownership that popped in my mind while watching this video. I grew up in Europe where we had an attic full of objects hoarded from the past. As a child I used to love to go up and sit in the bulky armchair that my great-grandmother was photographed in. I used to leaf through schoolbooks of my grandfather, caressing the needlepoint cushion my great-aunt made. I felt a warm connection to those long-gone people by touching the objects they touched. Right now I show my grandkids things that I still hang on to because they are left in my care by my parents. I think these emotional connections are healthy and important. What a pity that in some families the children are missing out on this experience because so much of their forbears' heirlooms were discarded in the name of Minimalism.

After decluttering, my house was so sterile and boring. I knew I didn't want to manage a lot of stuff, but also wanted my house to feel like mine again. I painted bold colors, put up bold curtains and beautiful things on the walls. Now I don't need any clutter to feel cozy and our families personality is back in our home. I also hate when every person's house looks the same or out of a magazine. When you are in our house, you know it belongs to us. You couldn't mistake it for anyone else's.

My ex husband wanted to be a minimalist. He was really good at throwing out things I wanted to keep but couldn't get rid of a lot of his own junk. Basically the minimalism was about him wanting to strip our home of everything that was for / about me so that the only things which remained were all about him. So glad to be free of that!

My concern with the whole minimalist, letting go, decluttering is, as you get older, as your life becomes longer, and contains more memories, it becomes harder to conjure those memories, in the whole "let it live in your heart instead of your closet" way. In my 50s, there are treasures I lost over a lifetime of moves that I wish I still had. Pictures, trinkets, etc. Because when I'm 60, 70, 80, I may need those reminders more and more. Also, history is a thing. Passing memories down to future generations matters. Armchair genealogists can speak to the joy that will be sparked by uncovering or acquiring some fragile ephemera from generations long past. Minimalizing erases items like this.

It was super easy for me to become a minimalist. Getting hit by two category 5 hurricanes kind of puts things into perspective. They take EVERYTHING away.

To me, minimalism is simply trying to dodge the brain-rot of over consuming. Alot of those instagram minimalists are simply trying to sell you another thing to consume...beige paint and items from their own line of decor that they sell at Target. True minimalism (again, in my opinion) is being mindful of what you are doing with your money and having purpose for the stuff you own. Sometimes that purpose is simply to remind you of a time or a person and that's ok.

Seeing beige playrooms makes me literally feel sad. Let's normalize, normal houses for sure! I have found dealing with the grief of decluttering has helped me lose weight. Dealing with the emotions has been difficult but it's amazing for me, someone who struggles with weight. I usually turn to food for comfort, but since decluttering, I have sat with my emotions and I seriously feel more free because of it.

You are the first minimalist to mention that our minimalism is other peoples poverty. Thank you x