Are The Dutch Really Like This? What Expats Reveal about Dutch Culture

The problem is the word “friend”. This word is used quickly in English. Friends in the Netherlands do not make appointments, they see each other spontaneously and whenever they want. Only people who we call more acquaintances make an appointment and when that is made it often becomes nice and “fun”, because the coffee is ready.

I am an older Dutchman, I have never told anyone to their face that I didn’t like them and nobody has done that to me. It’s much more subtle than that. Also, dropping by unannounced is much more common than you think. Also I lived n several other countries. It’s very difficult to make local friends in most countries, in my experience.

This video is outstanding. To hear a Polish woman describe another culture ( and a difference within that culture) in such detail in another language (English) that would be rarely matched by a native English speaker is, to me, amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Amsterdam is very different from the rest of the country, it is like a foreign country.

What an amazing and impressive lady. She has analized us better than i could do it as a Dutchman.

Funny, as a Swede I find the Dutch very friendly and eager to make friends. Not only on a superficial level. I actually feel seen and appreciated as a individual.

The Polish woman was very articulate and insightful she should have her own YouTube channel

20 years ago we spontaneously visited friends too

Amsterdam is not The Netherlands

Brilliant observations from the lady

8:29 friend of me emigrated to Poland, from Netherlands, has familiy made there with Polish wife. He invited me over, and Poland is what Netherlands should be going back to more as a whole.. Amsterdam, Randstad region became more selfcenterred, unhospitable.. Eastern Netherlands, Drenthe, Overijssel, Groningen and Friesland still have, though less, that what Poland still has in rural hospitality. Warschauw isn't representative for Poland, been there, visited it, like I would take a non Dutch friend to show Netherlands, ofcourse Amsterdam is included in the showing the country. In Poland I met his wife's family, had to meet her brothers, mother, uncle who lives there and there, and see this and that.. I have a smile on my face now typing about my experince in Poland with these people, no pen can put in words how that was.

I am always surprised at the answer that even a short visit has to be planned. I have never lived that way, most of my family and friends have never lived that way. I do know people that plan every hour of the week and it would drive me crazy.

I smiled when the lady talked about how she adopted the strict planning of the dutch. I used to be much more spontaneous too, but once you are used to this predictable kind of meeting you cant go back :D

Once I heard a Dutch father wisely say to his son, "Don't worry about what others think of you or how they judge you. Instead, think about what you think of yourself and how you judge yourself." The simplicity and effectiveness of that statement struck me deeply, and I appreciated it greatly. Upon reflection, I realized that if taken to the extreme, beyond the delicate balance between altruism and individualism or empathy and indifference, it could have serious emotional and social consequences. This led me to consider the teachings imparted to Dutch children from a young age, conveyed through concepts such as "doe maar gewoon, dan doe je al gek genoeg" or its abbreviated form "doe maar normaal." The same goes for the dogma of "nuchterheid," which may explain certain behaviors that we perceive as apathetic or emotionally lacking. Today, however, I would like to explore the concept of the Dutch "defense mechanism," related to the observed dynamics in the video and the comments below. Over the centuries, due to the not entirely secure "world perception" that characterizes many Dutch people, a peculiar "defense mechanism" has developed. The generalization that "Dutch people are arrogant" is often countered by their personal self-definition; they simply label themselves as "direct" individuals. The truth, however, lies somewhere in between. The observed "arrogance of the Dutch" finds its roots in the need to mask feelings of insecurity or fear, especially prevalent among those living in large cities, in response to the perception of a "threatening world" (which we will delve into later). This "mask" provides them with a semblance of security and a sense of superiority, but often proves as fragile as a sandcastle on the shore. However, the attitude we identify as "arrogant" also serves as a protective barrier, enabling them to maintain a sense of dominance over others and compensate for the lack of control over unexpected events or situations. A careful examination of Dutch social dynamics reveals one of the predominant concepts: "Sterk te zijn," translated as "to be strong," though often translating into appearing strong rather than being truly strong. This practice inevitably leads to significant emotional distancing. The so-called "arrogance" becomes a means to avoid deep emotional connections, understandable in those who perceive the world as threatening and seek to protect themselves from potential emotional wounds by avoiding emotional involvement with others. It would be interesting to interrogate this type of Dutch individuals about the root of this uncertain worldview, even though the answers might not only be intriguing but possibly also "arrogant." It is relevant to consider that from childhood, Dutch children are exposed, mainly by parents or schools, to an environment perceived as rich in social competition. In such a competitive and uncertain environment, arrogance can emerge as an attempt to assert one's "superiority" over others, fueled by the belief that demonstrating such superiority is essential for survival. As for the tendency to excessively plan everything, it is somewhat related to the previously described "arrogant" attitude. Through an idealistic control of the future, intending to plan everything in detail without discrimination towards acquaintances, friends, or family, they seek to obtain a sense of security and predictability in a world perceived as "uncertain" or even threatening. Personally, I cannot imagine living with a constant sense of uncertainty and threat, remaining in a "state of absolute protection" throughout my entire existence. However, trying to understand this situation by putting myself in their shoes, I can begin to grasp the emotionally narrow life these individuals might experience. This perspective might lead us to be more understanding of behaviors that may appear strange to us. The detailed and almost manic programming of the future, for most inhabitants of this planet, represents an unnatural artifice. Yet, for Dutch People, it serves as a tool providing a sense of "emotional security." Through this "illusion of control," many insecure individuals find an effective way to perceive a form of supervision over future situations, thus reducing constant anxiety related to uncertainty. This practice becomes exaggerated when another element is added: the "fear of making mistakes or encountering unexpected situations." The Dutch are firmly convinced that by planning everything well in advance, they can reduce the possibility of mistakes, having time to reflect and plan every detail. The struggle against the danger of the sea and water is a constant in Dutch history, a crucial aspect that has shaped the cautious and detached attitude of many. It should also be remembered that the millennia-long history of the current place we know as the "Netherlands" includes submission to Roman colonization, Spanish domination with the yoke of the Holy Inquisition, World War II, German occupation, and inhumane deportations, contemporary immigration with its evident integration problems, especially with certain non-European ethnicities. A historical journey of a small land overshadowed by events that have deeply affected the collective psyche of the Dutch. Contemporary Dutch chronicles show the significant problem of the "invasion" of rather turbulent guests who have contributed (and still contribute) to shaping a population inclined towards closure, now practically tired of not feeling comfortable at home. Not to mention the economic history of the Netherlands, with its commercial and maritime tradition, amplifying entrepreneurial mentality and almost obsessive pursuit of economic security among the Dutch. Moreover, the geographical position of the Dutch, constantly engaged in the struggle against natural threats such as floods, has contributed to solidifying a mentality of planning and risk management. These events, faced with tenacity over the centuries, have forged a meticulous and careful approach to safety and stability, reflected in the often perceived detached attitude as arrogant. In short, as we can understand, the history of this small but virtuous Dutch land is woven with numerous, even traumatic events that now constitute the connective tissue that has shaped the culture and mentality of this people, expressing themselves through detailed planning and extreme caution that characterize many facets of their daily life. In more recent times, with the advent of COVID-19 and the consequent lockdown measures, we witnessed a very particular reaction from the Dutch. Initially, there was massive denial of reality. Subsequently, institutions and authorities faced difficulties in "forcing" the Dutch to give up planning their days and adapt to the disruption of their usual planned and repetitive routine. The unexpected experience was uncomfortable for all inhabitants of the world, but for many Dutch, it was as if the comfortable carpet they thought they could use as a constant sign of comfort and protection was suddenly taken away from under their feet. Many of them fell heavily; after the carpet was "pulled," many of their convictions based on unnatural or artificial behaviors shattered. The reality revealed to them undermined the belief that they could predict everything through planning. Many Dutch people, especially in large cities, experienced stressful or entirely unreal situations that, unlike usual, they could not avoid but had to endure. This sense of defeat and loss led to very severe depressive states among many residents of the Netherlands. Personally, I do not believe they have learned the lesson. On the contrary, they still seem firmly convinced that sudden or unexpected events, which they call "onverwachte gebeurtenissen," are under their dominion and management. They behave as if they were a sort of "Gods of nature and events, things and people." This attitude might explain why they systematically avoid concepts like "spontaneity," "improvisation," and "naturalness," preferring instead the pre-planned programming of everything. As we often read, this tendency manifests itself with arrogance. You might wonder, what is all this for? Basically, in modern times, it serves to protect or increase economic gain. Everything else takes a back seat or is even irrelevant in this perspective. G.

The difference in openness to friendship between Europeans and Americans is due to the fact that Americans move around a lot during their lives while Europeans don't. 25% of American households move every year. So, they develop the skill of making new friends easily. Europeans typically stay close to family and friends for their whole life, so they don't have the same openness. Although the European cultures are all different they all seem to share this aspect.

What a beautiful well adapted and outspoken woman! She's the prototype example of what "inburgering" is all about! She has a very good knowledge of what the Netherlands is and what it represents! The Dutch are very selfaware, methodical and efficient combined with innovative and practical which makes it com across as cold and it is in a certain way as we Dutch tend to make rational decissions rather than emotional! Not sure though if I necessarily agree with the guy saying that it's difficult to make friendship with the Dutch unless a lot has changed in my 17 year of absence! I agree though that for the Dutch friendschip has to have meaning and not everyone fits in that picture at any given time! Getting aquinted with the Dutch is very easy, just join in for a beer and a laugh or a nice chat!

The thing is that the Netherlands are one of the most busy and crowded countries in the world. People protect their private space...

What she said about quickly sitting down and catching up, completely spontaneous, that's true. We don't do that. There is 1 exception. At the first rays of sunshine, everyone runs to the terrace. And you spontaneously go for a beer. And oh yes, we immediately prefer to take off our coats and sweaters.

simple its all about formality their culture is based on small village/towns which were usually tightly placed also they have a religious belief based on Lutherism, very frugal, formal religion it explains a lot nothing to fovwith being cold distant etc. i am an australian ex pat 35 years in nl so i know what i mean

The ONLY and BEST advise i can give you all...try another city...stay away from Amsterdam.