How to Deal with Uncertainty - Without Self-Sabotage
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Published 2024-05-15
When we aren’t certain what will happen, our nervous system perceives that uncertainty as a potential threat, that we could maybe do something about. “Something bad might happen” so it kicks on an activated state, trying to spur us into some action to prevent bad things from happening. And this feels like uncomfortable anxiety sensations.
Most people don’t like uncertainty, but the people who can’t tolerate uncertainty the most are more likely to experience anxiety or depressive disorders, they’re more likely to struggle in relationships or not reach their potential in work or school.
But here’s the thing. It’s not actually the uncertainty that’s the problem, it’s our attempts to avoid uncertainty that usually interfere with our lives.
We love certainty. To such an extreme degree that we often self-sabotage instead of tolerating the uncertainty. We would rather fail than risk success because risking success comes with uncomfortable feelings.
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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services.
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All Comments (21)
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A poem I always go to when uncertainty hits hard on my soul is from Erin Hanson:
"There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?" -
"Watch less media about things that are far from you"
I feel like this is a REALLY important point these days. -
"We would rather fail than risking success " , what a thought provoking line , now when I think about it , it makes a lot of things about myself clearer. 🌻
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I've found curiosity to be the cure. It allows me to get rid of preconceived notions and see the truth of things instead of just thinking about things which lead to judgement, desire, and impatience. That's what sages mean when they say that they don't know anything. Act like you don't know anything and let each moment unfold itself without prosecution. How joyful.
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My father always said that if you expect the worst and the worst doesn't happen, you will not be hurt or disappointed. No wonder I struggle with negativity
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I hope you know how valuable this channel is.😊
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Just recently lost a job through self-sabotage, overthinking. The worst thing is it has happened before many times, I don't see till it's too late, it's an in-built mechanism. It seems I'm more comfortable with failure, failure is safe, failure is predictable, failure means I never have the uncertainty of being successful.
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This video could be part of the anxiety course. It's the root of anxiety. I feel like I need more on this one piece. Like an entire course!
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What terrifies me the most is getting what I've been looking for, only to have it taken away right afterwards.
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Im 54 and have never lived a day in my life because of chronic alarm/anxiety. Watching this i now know that my refusal or inability to deal with uncertainty has stopped me from doing anything of note in my life
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I don't make firm decisions because I can't stand the uncertainty. This is profound. Thank you.
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you have serious universal mother energy
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That example you gave with the “friend” who wouldn’t communicate for a YEAR and still not answer everything when they felt like talking again was just horrible. That’s a whole nother level of being a doormat! I would never disrespect myself so much as to still want to be friends with someone who would treat me like that! Pure insanity.
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Five very simple things for me to handle uncertainty:
1.) Embrace conflict and uncomfortable situations and conversations (sounds crazy ikr - but not to be reckless).
2.) I like to sketch and draw pictures.
3.) Consume less news and social media (but this vid obviously is an exception to the rule, lol)
4.) Learn something new.
5.) Imperfections are necessary for growth and progress. -
"go out and plant the tree even if you don't watch it grow up."- Emma
This is basically my mentality. So happy to finally have words that help me explain how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. -
Wow… I was a child when my grandma gave me the advise to “never expect because you’ll be disappointed” so I took it literally and just avoided friendships and left people because I knew they were going to leave me.. now I have this really good job and I’m trying to change my mindset
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My current mantras: “I can do hard things,” & “I am my protector and cheerleader”
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The timing of this video is wild. JUST spoke about this with my therapist
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This explains the “better the devil you know” conundrum which can keep people feeling trapped in shitty situations - the brain would rather get shocked than take an uncertain leap in another direction!
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You're one of my greatest discoveries on my healing journey ❤
