Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Ummm. I hate that people ask "Why does she stay?".. The much better question is "Why does he hit her?"

One thing she left out. Abusers always make you feel like its your fault and you are the crazy one.

My best friend finally got enough courage to pack her bags and leave her abusive husband. He shot her to death before she reached the door. If you are in an abusive relationship please make a safe plan to leave and never speak a word of it to him. Leave when he is not home and never go back. The most dangerous thing you can do is let him know you want to leave

I left an abusive relationship. I now have zero tolerance of abuse, that's how much I changed.

Domestic Abuse isn't always physical.

The part where she said she didn't think of herself as a victim; she was a strong, independent woman who was helping a troubled man...I think I just woke up to my current situation.

In my experience, domestic violence is a cycle. A husband attacks, is sorry, and in that sorrow you get a glimpse of the man you love. Then the tension starts and the violence is repeated. By the time you are battered, you have no friends, no job and are trapped in the destructive circle of trying to please the impossible. Nothing you ever do will be right, so round and round you go until something breaks. Die or find the strength from somewhere to get out.

I was in the hospital after almost being killed by a man and my friend came to see me. The first thing she said was “what did you do to make him do this to you.” I told her to get out and not to bother coming back or calling me again.

I thought I wasn't with an abuser because I was doing everything to prevent them from getting mad. I didn't realize that that was abuse.

My husband said he turned violent because I made him mad. And this was my fault for making him mad. I was confused once but now I understand that every act of violence is a choice, and I’m not responsible for his choice of actions.

That part where she said she didn't think of herself as a victim; she was a strong, independent woman who was helping a troubled man...RELATEABLE. I cried, listening to that, because that, that was me. I thought my love would help him, would conquer all; I was wrong. So much of her story, sadly, sounded familiar.

"Used my anger as an excuse to abuse." That tells an all too familiar story.

People stay in abusive relationships because abuse shreds any self respect you have. You cannot take action when you feel like a deflated balloon.

“Abuse thrives in silence”. Excellent. That statement sums it up.

Yes, it’s real! Just left a 48 year marriage…far too late. Took my purse only and two years from then finally stand alone and happier. Subsidized housing for a senior helped a lot. When I left, he put out a smear campaign to my only child, family and past friends saying I’m unstable and caused many problems. What could I prove being silent so long?, Still in grief, but I’m safe, breathing and hopeful ;it’s very okay to be alone. Peaceful,no fear. It takes practice but it’s worth that kind of work, day by day affirming what’s real, who you really are, and letting it all go. You’ll find the path you are to be on, just believe it. You are valuable, a unique human being with a purpose. Please hang in there! Bless you greatly for strength and love. Sincerely, Robin

I loved this…I left my abusive relationship 6 months ago and thankfully I was able to get out safely. I like that she outlined the steps of abuse because I realize now that I was able to get out at the stage where he was introducing the threat of violence. He had a gun that he liked to flaunt and he had threatened to break my arm at one point. I didn’t know I was being abused because he had never laid a hand on me. This gave me clarity.

i ve just left..i had two beautiful children...god help me to survive from this...

I was abused for 27 years of my life. I escaped; changed my name, safe so far.

This is my sister's story, too. Unfortunately, she and her husband hid his monstrous behaviour from us for over 20 years; we found out the real story after her death and we are devasted.

I came here because my friend told me I’m in a dangerous situation. And they got concerned because I was "defending my abuser", that was a big eye opener for me.