What is Codependency? With Priscilla Gilman | Season 2; Ep 23

Wow, I can relate to so much of this. This is incredibly validating! I also took total emotional responsibility for both my parents, especially my dad, growing up and never even allowed myself to cry. My dad suffered from alcoholism and depression and when my mum divorced him when I was nine he told me that he wished he was dead. He also told me that he wished I was his wife and sexually abused me on one occasion, which I didn’t remember until 11 years later. The partner my mum had after him was also suicidal and did actually take his own life. I spent over twenty years trying to make sure everyone else was ok whilst putting myself last, which of course all the narcissists in my life loved and took advantage of. Going no contact with both my dad and brother was extremely healing for me and now I’m happy to say that I have come a long way on my healing journey and with learning to love myself. Discovering your work has been an absolute game changer for me Dr. Ramani. Despite never even having met you I cannot express how much love and gratitude I feel towards you ❤Thank you for all that do🙏

I am a “fixer” but I don’t do it for love, I want to help those that need someone to love them enough to care. I hate the word co-dependant. It fits me in some ways as far as always wanting to make others happy, but not for my own needs. I do it for their lacking, thinking I can make a difference caring about THEM because it seems in the moment they need it.

Wonderful interview. Just shows the complexity of relationships and love.

What a terrific podcast! I think I learned a lot about MYSELF as I was listening to Priscilla share her childhood stories. So thank you for that 💞

@22:00 Coercive Control. The angry outbreaks and “Id kill myself if it wasn’t for you..” I don’t think her father had a Temper. Abusers always blame their abuse on having a temper. This had nothing to do with his temper. Her father was manipulative and an abuser. Coercive controller. That’s why her mother left him.

This was a very enlightening episode! I grew up with a Malignant Narcissist father who is extremely grandiose. As a result, my older sister and I were parentified. I have babied my mother and little sister for years because we were making up where my father lacked. Through therapy I learned I am not responsible for anyone else's emotional well-being but my own and my son's. This episode does a beautiful job showing the spectrum of Narcissism. Thanks for all you do, Dr. Ramani!

This episode really reasonated with me since my father was a depressed narcissist. Just like her I was constantly trying to make him feel better. Being a truthteller I've actually mainly been trying to help him with his narcissism because I have been seeing his problems from an early age already. My dad would actually abuse me as a therapist and it wasn't until last year that i stumbled across Dr.Ramani's youtube chanel and my entire view changed and now I am becoming a therapist myself making a profession out of my narcissistic family role, that was so painful and yet gifted me to become the person I am today. Bless all of you and especially Dr.Ramani and her team for providing this incredible knowledge.

I had similar experiances as your guest and I am still so angry at my mum and grandmas for unburdening themselves at my own expense. The worst thing is that my mum has telling everybody this narrative of me being the bad daughter bc I also had divorced my husband for non-related things my mother did to my father and vice versa. She made me her psychiatrest from the age 7 until I turned almost 30 and when I broke it off she started manipulating people around us. I still struggle at 41 even though I restricted communication and set some boundaries but she's still messing with my family. The thing is that even though she told me things from an early age she and my father were really attentive parents but I am a train wreck and spent all my twenties and thirties tring to correct myself.

I don't think Priscilla's father was an amazing father at all. He absolutely killed her authentic self in her childhood, so how is that being an amazing father? He only supported and heard his daughters if they were into the things he was interested in. I don't understand why Dr. Ramani keeps saying Pariscilla's father was an amazing father!

Astounding, how many lives Alice Millers books changed! Especially, with the her themes surrounding “Narcissism the “false self and the “inner child. While subsequently her son revealed how negligent and abusive she was as a Mother in his own book. Mind boggling 🥹

Thank you for doing this interview and personalizing this issue. I'm so glad that it was with someone that is not in a stereotypical narcissistic or even codependent situation. For those of us with complex abuse, but not textbook looking, it's Helpful to have codependency displayed and discussed in a way that really puts real life situations on it. I tried so hard to avoid both issues your parents gave you with my daughter when I divorced my narcissistic cheating ex, but she still wound up saying she was responsible for my feelings. I now know that she's been transferring how he made her feel, to me, and vice versa, due to the lies he told her and the triangulation (and parental alienation) he put her in very early on, but it still breaks my heart for her to have felt at all like she's gotta take care of ANY ones emotions. And that's coming from a recovering codependent myself.

This is the first time i watch this Podcast! I can totally relate! i was drawn to broken men and broken friends because i wanted to save them. Being raised by a depressed narcissist mother that i tried to help even until now. Thank you Dr. Ramani for discussing this topic on your Podcast

For anyone reading this please listen to this discussion twice! It’s is so important whom you marry and these vows are taken too lightly! Sadly I dated for 10 years before marriage and it still went south with the cons and eveything he did. I am not flawless at all but the depths of manipution and all has me middle aged healing. Don’t rush any relationship.

This is troubling. The 'don't do' list was awful for a child to read, but gives the impression that the mother had been enabling him. No wonder she was drained. The mother generally is depicted as 2D. She's not fleshed out as a person. Nothing is said about her mothering skills and efforts and contributions, but there's so much about the father and how marvellous he was because he watched his children (especially one of them) perform. It seems like he loved the pleasurable bits of parenting. Who was doing the tough bits? Then the eating half-portions in restaurants, and stealing ketchup. I don't feel any sympathy. Why did he take his children to sit in restaurants and feel hungry, and be told not to cry? He could have bought plenty of good food for less cost and gone for picnics. It would have been more fun for the children. I think this is telling. He seems to have put status above his children getting enough to eat, and having a good time. Almost no empathy is shown for the mother. Yes, it seems like she was cut off from her own feelings, but I guess she was brought up like that. But he was a serial adulterer and porn user, yet that is glossed over. The mother must have suffered hugely. I'm interested in the sister, and impressed that she had the courage to authentically and frequently express her emotions, which can't have been easy in that environment, with a very self-contained mother, a 'revered', depressed father, and a sister who was always trying to control everyone's feelings. I agree with the mother that she was to some degree 'rejected', in that her plays and activities were given less attention than yours. This is a partial rejection, and must have been keenly felt by her. As for this 'apology', it sounds like she didn't actually receive it. It was said that after he shouted at the sister, "I went after him, and he apologised." Then "he said, I love you and your sister". So it seems the sister wasn't present. She was the one that needed the apology but it didn't go to her! Did this often happen, I wonder. Did he see the sister as an individual, if he just apologised by proxy to his clear favourite? I'm curious as to how the sister was affected by all this. In the whole interview the mother and sister are left in the shadows and seem unreal, while this father is still revered. Maybe it was all that reverence and being a 'titan' instead of a normal vulnerable human being that made him behave so badly. Having said that, I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties this upbringing gave you, and I wish you well.

42:07 this is my husband, I discovered after 20 years of marriage! I used to think that a fantastic spouse would automatically be a fantastic parent too, but I was very wrong.

I loved this conversation. So perceptive and thoughtful and kind.

I can relate to much of Pricilla's story. I have been able to relate to every story of each podcast- in some ways. The healing is a long slow process: books, videos, interviews, podcasts, writing. Thank you.

Oh my goodness, she just described my role and experience with my mom (though she was a poor, immigrant single mother) when I was a child going into the role of doing everything I could to keep everyone okay. Right down to her parent being this brilliant titan, and her wrinkling the program at the musical. Just so close to home. 😢

This interview was weird and kind of enabling to me. The counter argument about how her codependency came to be, wasn't due to survival I think is incorrect. She definitely felt the need to cater to her father to save him, who she was dependent on (for her own survival), is a survival mechanism. Both parents had terrible boundaries. The father sharing possible suicidal ideation was so harmful and neglectful. In essence her emotional needs were neglected throughout her childhood as it seems. How did she feel loved and seen when her boundaries were frequently violated? Her fondness of her father, was extreme to me, and sounds like emotional incest. Not saying he was narcissistic (covert maybe), but something was off. There appeared to be some triangulation occurring between her and her sister, at least implied. And I'm wondering if the way she catered to her father gave him some of the adoration and admiration he needed, which also seemed somewhat exploitative. Idk, maybe there's info in the book that makes it make more sense. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Dr Ramani I started watching your content for narcissism for the last year now but only recently have watched your videos on codependency… I can’t fathom how it is so so relevant and necessary to acknowledge and this podcast episode has truly been a turning point for me !!! I know plenty of people will feel the same and you hear this all the time but phew.. all my gratitude could never be dwindled down into a comment on a video you are a real angel walking amongst us.❤