Exposing fake polyglots: Warning signs and red flags

In Vietnamese, I tried to ask for hot water, and instead requested “male fluids”.

I witnessed a lawyer telling a roomful of Mexicans that he was an avocado. We never let him forget it.

In Hebrew, I accidentally told someone that I was going to be late because I committed suicide. I was trying to say that I had gotten lost.

I shocked locals with this one trick: I learnt Japanese for 20 years.

Not really a linguistic error so much as a brain fart, but once tried to fend off a Korean evangelist by telling her 나는 유대인이다 naneun yudaein-ida “I am Jewish”, but misspoke and said 나는 예수다 naneun yesuda “I am Jesus Christ.” Anyway, it worked.

"i will never accept a sponsor from better help" language jones i love you

In Bhutan my tour guide taught me how to say “Hello, I am Handsome” (or so I thought) and every time I Introduced myself the locals would giggle. At the end of the week when I introduced myself to his friend she asked why do you introduce yourself like that? Turns out he actually taught me to say “Hello I am Long Nose.”

I live in Amsterdam and I already met a relatively famous fake polyglot a few times at the street. He used to post videos like "I will give you 5 bucks if I don't speak your language". Clearly he was only able to speak a few random words, so people caught on to that and started exposing the guy. Now his videos are more like "I will give you 5 bucks if I cannot recognise your language". Way less impressive, way less expensive.

You forgot the most important function of Akkadian, writing complaints to your copper supplier about his terrible customer service and broken promises on the copper deliveries.

THANK YOU! These fakes really demotivate language learners like myself. This isn’t Pokémon, you don’t need to catch ‘em’ all.

As a mini-polyglot with a C2 level in just four languages, and as a PhD in language teaching from a first-rate university myself, I am thrilled to finally see an expert speak on this topic of fake polyglots. Having spent some forty years learning French, German and Spanish, I am absolutely convinced that the ridiculous claims spread across the Internet to know dozens (much less 100!) languages is nothing but a crock!

At age 10, having known basic English well, I used the term "please" instead of ask. So I commonly said "I will please you" instead of I will ask you.

Once, after living in Romania for a few months, I messed up the word for turtle. Instead of broasca testoasa (literally, "shelled frog"), I accidentally said broasca tatoasa, which basically means "titty frog". The Romanian I was talking to just laughed and asked, "What does that look like?!"

The real "polyglots" take years to learn one language. That's a sign of being legitimate.

As a language teacher and lifelong learner I find these fakers just infuriating. Not only do I know how much time I've spent trying to improve languages, but even worse is that they set wildly unrealistic expectations for other learners who might not know enough to see through the BS and end up feeling bad about themselves.

As someone who is currently learning German, I'm relieved to hear that it is in category 2. It feels harder than Spanish, and it's a comfort to know that it's not all in my head. So much more inflection! Several years ago, when I spoke zero German, I was in China and some fellow exchange students came up to me and started speaking German. I wanted to tell them in German that I don't speak German. I knew that "sprechen Sie Deutsch?" means "do you speak Geramn", "ich" means "I", and that "nein" means "no". So I stapled them together and came up with this: "Ich nein sprechen Sie Deutsch", which comes out to something like, "I... no... speaking German you." But of course, speaking really terrible German conveys the idea that you don't speak the language, so when we think about the purpose of language... I think I kind of nailed it.

I once asked someone in Japanese how many siblings they had, and very puzzled, they replied with a "2". I later realized I had asked them how many parents they had.

Two C-words. One subtle difference. In Spanish, "cone" is "cono". But change the n to an ñ and you have that other C-word. I was living in Valencia for 3 months, and nearby was a great ice-cream shop staffed by 3 women in their early 20's. Every day I would go up to them and say "I'd like a... how do you say it... a c*nt please." And every day they would give me an unruffled smile and an ice cream cone. They never corrected me and I only realised my error months later

I still find some of the language channels you refer to (the ones that don't sell anything) entertaining. What seems authentic is often the reaction from native speakers when someone even bothers to try and at least speak at a medium phrasebook level. I'm German and we used to have many GIs here. There were really two kinds - the ones who tried to learn a little German, and the ones who only knew "Jawoll, Herr Kommandant!"," Sauerkraut" and "Lederhosen" after being stationed here for 10 years. It changes your entire perception of someone if they try to meet you halfway. It's more a human thing than a linguistic thing really. tl;dr: most Germans don't care if you butcher the language - we'll love you for trying.

I wanted to compliment my Japanese friend by telling her that her dress looks cute. Instead I told her that her dress is terrifying. She took it with humor.😅