How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED

Whether you’re just launching your adult life or finally giving yourself permission to question assumptions about adulthood, learn practical strategies to build a future that fits you from Julie Lythcott-Haims. Enroll in her TED Course “How to become be your best adult self” today: tedtalks.social/3OmpymZ

My father who passed away in August 28th, 2021, taught me to do chores at home. Laundry, dishwashing, cooking, house cleaning, taking care of my younger brothers. Now my wife is so happy she married me because I do our own chores without complaining, Thanks Pops. Miss you.

I told my daughter’s teacher that she will no longer be doing homework a few years ago. We now tell her new teacher every year the same. She thought I was kidding, but I wasn’t. She does chores, has horse riding, and family time, she is already in school 7 hours a day. And guess what, she scores the same as the other students but she is much, much happier. Our anxiety ridden 4th grader is now a confident bright young woman.

Lol I’m 14 and I’m already trying to figure out how to raise my future kids correctly😂I just see a lot of my friends suffering because of their parents and I’m like “nope, not gonna be me”. I plan on collecting knowledge throughout my teenage years so when the time comes I’ll hopefully be a good mom.

My parents are farmers. My mom spent almost her entire life under sun and rain and wanting that her kids not end up like her. My dad was a small-village pastor who helped out in the farms whenever he could. They both understood the value of education,not just at home but in school as well. Discipline was important to them but they never failed to tell us and show us how much they loved us , even while disciplining us for our wrongdoings. But most importantly, even though they both never finished high school, they made sure to live by example in the things that they knew best: being compassionate, kind, loving and so on to any and every person. We're 12 children. The twelfth had just enrolled into university as a nursing student. They have raised 12 children who will forever be grateful for having them as parents.

I've been pushed by my parents to be good at everything. In school, in college, in relationship. I've been told how to work hard, how to be best and not afraid. I also got a lot of love and support. Nobody would be disappointed if I fail, but everybody will be happy if I win. I've been pushed all my teenage years to be better than majority of my friends... sounds bad I know. And you know what. I am 30 y.o. woman who has everything that makes her happy. Stability, job that I love, family, opportunity to grow ,travel all over the world, not worry about bills, broken cars , rents, finding job, saving money.... Yes, I'm not perfect , I'm human , and I don't want to be perfect... but I'm very thankful to my parents,who pushed me so hard through my teenage years bc It really benefitted my future life. it really did. There's no other way to get what you want in life except force yourself to go and do what you have to do . But when you're teenager , your parents are your forcing power. And nothing is wrong with that.

My parents used to be like that. Then, when I got into the perfecte degree in the perfect college, I had a breakdown that left me bedridden for a whole year. They realized what had happened and now they are being absolutely amazing, understanding and encouraging-but-not-overbearing parents to my little brother (and to me as well). I love them so much, and I respect and admire them so much for havig the courage of admitting their own shortcomings and to truly rethink their parenting style to become better for their kids ❤️

I'm crying so hard my heart aches because I feel the pressures of the children from narcissistic parents who control their children "too much" and destroy their self confidence. This speech is a breakthrough. Thank you. I love this.

I am a 25 year old female, who unfortunately grew up with such parents. I went to the best schools, I had food on my table, every "material" thing I needed, they provided. I don't complain, I am really appreciative and respect my parents. But later on in life, I realized they neglected something else, my emotional growth.( Probably they had no information about it, they just did what they knew) I came to understand my parents were toxic, controlling and damaging to my emotional being. I realized that I had all these receptors of fear, anxiety, self doubt and yearn for approval. I realized that growing up, I ended up raising my " emotional growth" on my own. I realized I ended up repressing every emotion that I felt because no one was receptive to what I felt. I realized that I was a sensitive and highly expressive child but every time I expressed how I felt, my emotions were blocked and perceived as weakness, meanness and seen as a difficult child. I realized that this helped my build confidence in order to protect myself. Every time any of my parents hurt me, I always felt the need to let them know I wasn't happy. Instead, they overly criticized me and termed it as disrespectful. I had to reparent my emotions myself. I had to make myself understand that even though I got all the material things that helped me in my growth, I knew I lacked something. That is why I intentionally am interested in learning everything I need to know to become a healthy parent and raise balanced children.( Emotionally, physically, spiritual, mentally) And to everyone reading this, it's not your fault that you were raised that way, I hope that you get to heal. And that you learn what you need to, and unlearn what you were exposed to and is unhealthy. And that you will be the best parents! Much love!!

"Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's actions leads to outcomes", I love that.

This year I told my kids we are letting the pressure off. In an attempt to make children the best we are creating a generation of neurotics. I’m learning to hear what my children need from them. It’s ok if kids are not the best at everything but they should be the best version of themselves. Children need more time with parents. It’s the simple things that touch them, take a walk and just listen to them. Tell jokes and laugh together. Hug them everyday. The most important thing is to pray and ask God to guide you in raising them.🙏

I think every parent must watch this video. We as a parent put so much pressure on our kids to be perfect in every thing that often, we forget that the pressure that we are inserting to our kids may cause of their anxiety and stress. According to most of the parents one who is good in academic only he/ she can become successful in life. Parents always forget to appreciate their kids work or at least effort that the kids put in carrying out any work, exam or even in household chores.

My Mother, Jo Ann Mason, used to say that LOVE (which needs to be unconditional) + Expectations (which differ per person, because each person is different) + Limits (which don't change, people need boundaries) = a healthy start to a good human being

My mother used my “successes” as her gauge to show approval and basic humanity. It was never enough for her to show love, only maybe enough to prevent the threats of leaving or avoid hearing that I was a complete failure. Take it from me, don’t push your children towards your goals; it only teaches them that they aren’t good enough to make it on their own. I was “successful” in school and was the first in my family to get a degree, but I was also the most miserable, sad child of all 10 of us kids. Is that success? I know it isn’t.

I wish I saw this video before taking multiple AP classes, becoming club officers, joining sports, volunteering at my church, and spending hours of my day doing homework in a bedroom. It's very nice to say that I have these "accolades," but I can't remember the last time I had fun outside of an event that can be written on my brag sheet. Her talk was wonderful and quite applicable to my life as a high school student, however it wasn't really my parents who created these standards, but rather my own interpretations of societal expectations. I hope that one day I will have transformed my checklist into a motivation for success.

She's delivering her speech like spoken word poetry. Amazing job!

“We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at.” That hit different

My sister wants to be a doctor and is stressing out over getting into Stanford. I asked her how many doctors has she actually been to/seen that graduated from Stanford or even Harvard or even Johns Hopkins? ZERO. She can get a medical degree from anywhere and she'll be okay. We need to chill the F out.

very needed because some kids can't even talk to parents about things because they know how they're gonna react which is wrong

Our children need to know that we love them whether or not they achieve or abide by societal standards. This is, by far, the best speech I've ever seen on Ted.