Woman's Husband is "Too Dumb"

Reddit confessions are always either "I told my wife my favourite colour was blue but it was red" or "I kick puppies into the sun day and night, evening and noon and in a house with a mouse"

The surprise microphones are getting out of hand I’m too scared to open my toilet.

The "I have no idea what I'm doing at work" with 30,000 upvotes is just peak Reddit.

When I was a kid someone told me limes were baby lemons and I believed that shit for an embarrassingly long time.

I thought Pisces was pronounced piss-kiss until I was 32.

scariest leave right now moment: i was fishing at a local lake with my older brother when I was 10 (he was 13). it was the middle of the day and the only other person there was a man who was also fishing. the man spoke to my brother about fishing for a bit, which seemed normal cuz we had seen this man at the lake before and he conversed with our dad once. but then the man offered us beer. my bro knew that was not okay and called my mom. she called the cops and told us to pretend to go home, but instead of going home to meet her at a designated spot elsewhere at the lake. my brother told the man our mom "yelled at us" for some made-up reason, and we had to go home. we waited a few hundred yards away, out of his sight, until my mom and the cops showed up. the police searched his car and arrested him pretty quickly. in his trunk they found ropes and pictures of children being exploited. he had several warrants out for his arrest for kidnapping and SA-ing children. this was in 2003 when it was more normal for young kids to run around town, and my brother had just gotten his first cell phone (the notorious nokia brick)

Imagine posting your deepest darkest secret onto Reddit then some internet guy comes along and immortalizes it in song. I'd be mortified. Please keep at it- genuinely hilarious-

10:52 When I was young an adult was describing a flight of stairs for some reason and used the word 'spiral'. He corrected himself, saying "no, that's a bad word for it". Guess it wasn't really a spiral lol. Anyways, for years I thought spiral was a curse word and avoided using it

I have a "we gotta get out of here NOW" story: When I was a kid (13), me, my younger siblings, and a couple of the neighbor kids were out exploring the woods that hugged our in-development suburb. There was a swath of construction going on, churned dirt, tracks from machinery, etc, then forest until it hit the nearby highway. This was not the first time we'd done this, and I grew up in the countryside and knew the woods pretty well, so was trusted to keep an eye on everyone. Watch for snakes, poison ivy, make sure they don't climb a tree too high or onto dead branches, that sort of thing. Well, the last time we did it, we were doing some standard Bridge to Tarabithia shit: playing pretend, building forts, telling a god damn *story*. But at one point, I lost eyes on one the younglings. Told everyone else to stay put while I looked for them. It took a few minutes of sweeping before I heard low voices. Adult, male voices, in the distance. Not far from the break in the trees next to the highway, I spotted flashes of clothing of two men walking across my path. They hadn't seen me, they were too focused on the small figure they were quietly calling after as it stumbled away through the brush. I couldn't hear what they were saying, and they weren't in a hurry, but something was WRONG. They weren't construction workers. We were far away from anywhere adults would casually be, and I couldn't see any flash of a car pulled over through the gaps in the trees. I stayed quiet, got lower, and crept as quickly as I could after the girl, making an arc to intercept where I'd seen her heading. As soon as the kid could see me, she ran over. She'd been crying. I scooped her up just as the men spotted me. They weren't far now, maybe 10-15 yards, and as I started running, one of them called out after me, "Hey, where you going? Come here, she dropped something." I think they gave chase for a little while, but I guess they got cautious about going too close to a populated area. When I circled back to the rest of the kids, the men were gone. Normally it was a bit of a chore herding everyone when they weren't done playing, but I guess they picked up how serious and scared I was, because when I said we were done, and going home now there wasn't a peep. I let the girl's brother carry her and stayed at the back, looking over my shoulder the whole way home. I never told the full story to our parents (though I wish I had so the police could have been called), just said there were weird men hanging around in the woods. That was enough for us all to be banned from playing there anymore, and I was okay with that.

My mom and sister had a running joke from before I was born to call tornadoes 'tomatoes' so for about 5 years of my life I just thought that those swirly winds were called the same thing as the red fruit, tomatoes. It wasn't even that I just took that and ran with it, I asked my sister many times what tornadoes were called and she just flat out went 'oh yeah they're called tomatoes'. Older siblings just lie, they just enjoy lying, so maybe your partner's not stupid, maybe they just have an older sibling who lied to them.

To be fair about the person worried about the grass puncturing a tire... Maybe as a kid, she had an inflatable pool and the grass grew through it. I've seen that happen within 2 days. She might just have that stuck in her mind, not realizing the thickness of tires?

15:01 Oh, I’ve got a good one for this. Early 2000s, before I was born, my (british) dad had a small tradition of staying in Thailand for christmas. 2004 was no different, he brought my mum and sister and they planned to stay through to the new year, and my dad was never one to take detours or a change of plans. At some point very close to christmas eve, he suddenly woke up and had a feeling that they needed to go back, back to england, back to see his mother. He had heard nothing, had no warning, had no real reason to, but they did anyway. Packed their things and left. Two days, two days later, the 2004 indian ocean tsunami hit the beaches of Thailand where he, my mother and my sister likely would have died or at least been horrifically traumatised.

OMG! I taught middle school English in a school that required VERRRY detailed lesson plans, 7-8 pages long for EACH prep, very complicated, citing sources, etc. They took about 6-8 hours (of your own time, due by Sunday evening) to complete, once you got the hang of it. I sent them in dutifully every week for yeaaars. Then a colleague of mine confesses that she sends her "plans" (blank document) in every week, but in a password-protected folder. Not once was she questioned about how to get into the file. I started sending in recycled, copy pasted plans every week with new dates, and was never asked about it.

My "leave now" moment: I was doing a semester abroad in Portugal and planned a small trip with friends so went to buy a travel backpack. Bought it, went to the bus stop but as my portuguese was limited and this was pre-supersmartphones, I wasn't sure if I was in the right place or if the bus will come at all. My Portuguese was very limited, and it was out of town, basically on a highway. It was getting dark and I started worrying. A guy came up to me and offered me a lift, I, the idiot, accepted. He seemed normal at first glance and as I was worried I'll be stranded in the middle of nowhere, it seemed like the best option. A few minutes later, we're driving on the highway, I'm looking around, relaxed, and in that moment I get the strongest feeling of "danger". It wasn't fear or anxiety or anything I've ever experienced before, it was like someone sent the word and feeling of "danger" into my whole body and mind. I look towards the guy and I saw an expression I have never seen before. Pure evil. He says something like "I need to go for a pee" and starts driving off the road towards the forest. I start yelling and open the car door (so fucking lucky it wasn't locked!), he hits the breaks and I run out onto the highway. Found a bus stop nearby, got on the bus and got home. That incident was 10 years ago and it still freaks the shit out of me when I think about it. Yes, I was stupid and naive, and I would never ever EVER get into someone's car again. I know 2 things for certain: 1) something horrible would have happened to me, 2) that feeling of "danger" wasn't me. That was help, from somewhere. And that at least gives me comfort.

I think the job thing is because in a large corporation, oftentimes people don't know what other people do. You have fancy titles, but none of it is actually descriptive. So if someone asks "do you have time to complete this", and you say no, they have no way to know if you are lying. Especially because the "product" of the business isn't a tangible thing, it's a website or "data processing" or something. The more digital work gets, the fewer clues anyone has as to what is being done.

I once thought Popeyes was pronounced "Pope-yes" for the longest time.

I like how when talking about being unable to surf, Daniel compares his athleticism to a pikachu, one of the few Pokémon to have canonically surfed on a board

The “whole jobs where you really have nothing to do” tends to come down to poor management and people not understanding what your job is. I work as the sole graphic designer for my side of the company I work at, with several bosses coming and going. Lately, I do odd jobs for different people since marketing something is better than marketing nothing, and I’d rather have things to do with my week than wipe my desk down or delete emails. The work I receive tends to have two modes: “everybody panic, we need to get something out RIGHT NOOOOOOW” and “🤷‍♂️”. I cannot tell you the number of times there’s a massive lull in work where I go poking around to see if anyone wants a graphic made, a post drafted, or an email campaign sent.

My "Leave now" moment: When I was 13, I was really active on discord and talked to lots of people in a server about books and writing. I knew most internet rules and safety, but I had never heard of grooming before. I had no idea what it was, or that that could even happen to people on the internet. I talked to adults quite often, and I started talking to a man who was about 50 years old. I always research people before I talk to them. This man didn't say much in the server, but did do a vent, and he seemed to really want friends. He even had a youtube channel about books, so I thought he was pretty safe and I wanted to help him out. I talked to him in dms for a while, he asked me about my interests, I showed him some of my art, but he never said to much about himself. The only thing I thought was kind of odd, is that when he told me his name (a very generic first name at that), he told me, very sternly, that it was a secret and I could never tell anyone. I thought he was a bit odd, but still not dangerous. Then one day I was talking to him and got a weird feeling that something was off, something wasn't right. So, I talked to a female friend of mine on discord, who was in her twenties then, and she told me to trust my gut. I was hesitant at first, but I did listen to her and block him. After that I googled some stuff and came over an article about grooming and its signs. I compared our conversations, and they had every single sign, in order.

I had a surgery the other day and the surgeon after he cut me out pulled out a surprise microphone! I didn't even need surgery, it was all a ruse!