AUTISM AND MASKING |Purple Ella

Living in an abusive home, I became hypersensitive and masked my emotions so that I would not be physically hit or verbally assaulted. I did this for so long I forgot that I was a person underneath the face I was using to survive while growing up in my home and avoided everyone. For me, letting go of my mask was a long and arduous process that felt impossible and neverending. I had to reconnect with my true feelings instead of pinging off of others to get by. I did not understand why I was different, but I knew I was not getting something that most others did with no effort. It was like walking alone through a dessert blinded and in a haze trying to piece together the remnants of whatever it is you are. I am not autistic, but I know the problem of masking all too well. It was very deep-rooted for me and I was wound up tight in it If you are currently in a similar state, you must be patient and content with every bit of progress you make no matter how insignificant it might seem in the moment. The little bits add up.

I’m 60, and fed up masking...don’t feel I should have too anymore so I don’t. It’s exhausting so I’m just myself now..if you don’t like it tough. I’ve played the game long enough.

I was diagnosed almost a year ago, just before my 57th birthday, and I think I've been subconsciously "masking" practically all my life. But of course this "mask" would slip from time to time and I would be accussed of committing the social "mistake" here and there - which kept knocking my confidence.

Ahh yes, being too weird for even the weird people! I can't stop masking.. I try but it's so hard. Life is exhausting.

I often pick up and start mimicking someones accent that im speaking with, it can be quite embarrassing as some people can take offence. Fortunately, the last lovely scots gent i mimicked, was at a wedding and he was drunk and just laughted. As I've moved around the country, I've picked up other accents.

I was diagnosed a few years ago, but I didn’t notice how much I masked until literally a couple of days ago. I’ve been feeling burnt out and out of nowhere I just had a massive realisation re how extensive my mask it. It’s been really scary and overwhelming; I realise I’ve had a mask on for so long, and it’s exhausted me, but the task of taking it off and disentangling myself from it seems enormous. It seems like I’ve made a habit of running every single decision I make through some external mirror/standard... I want to take the mask off because I think it will help my mental and physical health, but I’m really scared. I don’t even know where to begin !

Hi Ella As a Dyspraxic, I had a similar childhood. So if girls and women are "masking" their autism, there must be an awful lot of them who are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. I ❤️ your channel. 👍👍

My brother is 17 months younger than me and high-functioning autistic. The first video i watched of yours was you and your children explaining your perspectives on the male and female autistic differences. And it confirmed it for me. Every so many years i have had the brief thought that i am autistic. But i didnt have the same symptoms as my brother...no i couldn't be. All of this is very hard for me. I cry so much every time i watch your videos. Everything i am is finally being explained to me. Ive been searching whats wrong with me for so long and even now idk what my psychologist is going to confirm. But to me it's all so prevalent, that im a very high-functioning autistic person.

I was diagnosed with autism at age 64, but as an undiagnosed high schooler, I became involved in the backstage theatre crews of our high school musical performances. The kids on these crews were accepting and I loved the repetitive activities of setting up the stage for the night's run and changing the scenery quickly and exactly the same each night. Later, I took acting classes, (required courses as part of my technical theatre curriculum in college) and I think I was attracted to the repetitive nature of acting in scenes. It was also the perfect environment in which to learn how to broaden my range of emotional expression and so I started 'acting', or masking behaviors, which were useful in social situations, but not felt as emotions inside. This experience helped me to at least 'act normal', but I have since realized that this was the reason that I was only diagnosed much later in life. I am only now considering ways to drop the masking and approaching social situations in a more natural way.

You put my life into words, I love you videos they make me feel less alone. I'm convinced I have high functioning adult female autism that should of been diagnosed as a child instead of put in remedial classes, made to sit with the naughty kids so I could be a good influence as I didn't talk unless spoken to, and then the fewest words possible used to answer. As an adult my doctor has told me there's no where to refer me due to lack of funding. But you're teaching me all I need to know anyway and I'm seeing myself for the first time. Thank you 💚✌🏻👽

I totally relate to this! I always feel like life is a beautiful symphony and I'm just always off key, sometimes just a tad where people don't quite notice, but then sometimes it's a screeching off key, ear piercing, note and people freak out and reject me. 🙈 Masking is real and really hard....people always told me to be myself, but no one accepts the real me.

Masking is why most girls go under the radar, i learnt my posh dress sence from rachel from friends and how to dress, behave and just about everything else from tv and films! Now i learn everything from utube and Google! How funny is that , and yes, i check all my sorces. Oh, great vid by the way, yes to masking part 2

My mask never comes off, not even on my own. My autism becomes visible when the mask starts to crack under pressure. That is generally when people say that didn't think I was 'like' that. When a PIP tribunal judge asked me what it's like when my mask comes off.... Like what? I had no idea what to say, my mind went blank.

When I went to college to study theatre I really felt like I had found my tribe and I finally fit in. However to my new friends I was way out there and totally weird, even for a theatre kid. Luckily they liked this about me and I thrived. I did professional theatre for a span of 30 years. I actually out grew the theatre world and I have moved my focus to music. It's odd to not have that sense of community, because it's where I feel at home and accepted, but I love music and I realize it's my calling in life. I just hope I can find the same kind of soul tribe in a musical sense. I still plan to do comedy, though. This time on film. I love making people laugh.

Something that stood out to me looking back at my childhood, I was very keen on mimicking characters on tv. I remember saying stuff to my school friends and thinking "yes!! Just like that girl on tv!" I already mentioned this on your boys vs girls video; I often copy characters. A lot. Especially if they are somehow autistic or autistic-coded (I mimicked Sherlock a LOT, Will from Hannibal,...including accents (I am neither British nor American.) and body language.) I also remember mimicking the way Barbie moved in Barbie movies until I see myself on video or pictures and realised it looks fake and stiff.

Your videos could never be too long. The time flew by during your explanation.

I had similar issues in secondary school. When I observed some children being really shy and therefore left alone by bullies for the most part, I decided that I was gonna be shy as well and I gave myself an entirely new personality. It worked, people bought it and I stuck to the same 2-3 friends until I graduated and got the hell out of there.

I can't thank you enough. I can finally find some freedom in my mind. I can forgive others for treating me like that.

It feels like I’m running around with Spaghetti in my hands looking for the right place to put it down. And then someone thinks it’d be helpful to tell me I have the wrong type of noodles.

You described my childhood and life SO accurately. It's actually uncanny how similar! I remember buying all the colors of this pair of shorts my friend had! And of course it backfired and she made fun of me for copying her. I ALSO gave up with the popular girls and went to the fringe side, same: drama club and I was in rhythmic gymnastics so when you said circus group NO WAY! many of us go on to cirque du soliel. lol Then I went to Art university and same...I FINALLY felt I 'fit in' BUT still had to have my own events and invite people, and I got invited to others but STILL felt like something was missing. Always fitting in never belonging. Then I had kids and same, got really good at small talk etc and made friends but all the classic issues of suddenly ending friendships or insulting someone by mistake...just still can't keep friendships for long. I remember asking a friend 'do you change depending on the situation?' and she said yes I guess maybe. I explained that I feel like a chameleon...but was also careful with my words cause I didn't want to admit that I was 'fake' cause I didn't feel fake, I don't lie...I just pull out whatever info or part of me that matches with who I'm talking to and can connect with anyone. So NOW that I'm realizing I'm autistic (prolly, seeking diagnosis) I FINALLY feel like I belong to this group of people! But they are online...not in my 'real' life...and I kind of just want to be alone anyways, I don't feel I'm masking too much, like I notice I hold my arms the way I want even in public, like t rex style, and walk around with my tongue out. I just don't care. I think I had a massive burnout and a life changing reiki session where my ansestors literally held my hands and told me to do what I wanted with them. So yeah for sure I must still mask, but I don't feel the same as I used to where I used to care what people think. I feel like I'm re born. We'll see what the future holds. I'm excited for a diagnosis now so I can understand myself better and explain it to others and accomodate myself more and more. Thanks for your videos they're SOOO comforting and helpful.